


Could this be love?

by from_dust_of_stars



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Cunnilingus, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, Football | Soccer, NWSL, National Women's Soccer League, Soccer, US Women's Soccer National Team, USWNT, Women's Professional Soccer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-04-13 08:23:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 35,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4514820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/from_dust_of_stars/pseuds/from_dust_of_stars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From their first meeting, there was incredible chemistry between Ali Krieger and Ashlyn Harris. The journey they take might leave you breathless...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How it began

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at fanfic, so please be gentle and constructive with comments. :) Also, let me apologize up front for the long intro, I'm just trying to get my feet wet before I get into this story.

Ali's POV:

"Hey Ali! Come on" shout my rowdy roommates, letting me know dinner is ready. I sigh in mild aggravation, since I just stepped out of the shower. I throw on some clothes and sidle my way into the empty chair, laughing at their exasperation, as if me being late is such a burden, or a surprise. We jostle and grab food as if we've been starving for days, while multiple conversations tumble about the table. I kind of laugh to myself, thinking how shy I was my freshman year and can barely believe how comfortable I am now with my roommates, my teammates.

"So, this is big time, yeah? Senior year, first game of the season, last chance to win another title with the team" Amy smiles over at me. "Yeah, thank goodness I'm all healed up from last season. We're going to totally crush UNC tonight" I say with gusto. A round of yeahs and fist pumps follow. Jen asks, "Hey, did you hear about their new keeper? Think she's a junior, but supposed to be pretty hot." This gets a few laughs and even a cat call and someone yells "Oooh, as in hot hot or just an awesome keeper?" Jen blushes and stammers "Oh, I just heard she was really good." Again, more laughter and "What's she supposed to be good at?" And Jen's blush turns a deeper red. After choking off my laughter, I take pity and say "Yeah, she is supposed to be a good goalkeeper." The conversations and volume ramp up again, and I just shake my head, wondering how we even manage to follow a single conversation. I hear a scraping sound and look down, shocked that my plate is somehow empty, shrug my shoulders and head to the sink to rinse my dishes.

Amy runs over and pulls me into my room, "So, Ali, I saw Brent yesterday and he asked about you. Have you talked to him lately?" I shrug her off in resignation, "No, and I have no plans to." Amy gives me a hard look and sighs. She knows I haven't dated anyone since I broke up with him last year. "Look, I know you thought he was the one, but you have to move on and..." I quickly interrupt her "It was over last year and I HAVE moved on. Really. I'm just not in the mood for dating right now, OK? Leave it alone." I find myself sighing and looking back at her with a small smile, which she returns. "OK, I just worry about you", she mutters, so I pat her arm and shrug "Maybe I'm just meant to be alone." She gives me an odd look, but leaves it at that.

To be honest , lately, I've started to wonder if I am.. meant to be alone. After nearly dying from heart attacks after my fracture last fall, even though it was Brent who realized I needed to get medical attention, even though he basically saved my life, I had suddenly realized that I didn't love him. I remember sitting in the hospital bed, my mom holding my hand, taking about how great Brent was, and suddenly saying "Mom, I don't love him." I thought she'd be shocked, or surprised at least, but she got this strange look in her eyes and just said quietly "I know honey." Then it was my turn to be surprised. How would she know, when I'd only just realized it myself? I wanted to ask her what she meant, how she could possibly know, but then Brent walked in and the moment was gone. 

Days later, I remember trying to figure out when I'd stopped being in love with him, but came to a startling realization that I don't think I ever was. All those dates, all the making out, even just kissing him had actually left me cold. It was weird, I couldn't explain it to myself. Somehow, I'd been caught up in his excitement about dating, about my friends and family constantly encouraging me that we were the 'perfect couple.' Suddenly we were engaged, and the whole time it was surreal. I guess it was a good thing we'd only had sex once, although he'd been bringing it up like all the time. It finally happened one night after a party, when I was buzzed enough to have my defenses down. I remember thinking, shit, maybe he'll stop bothering me about it if we just do it. It had been awkward and painful and afterward I'd lied and said we had early practice so could he leave so I could get some sleep. I remember taking one of the longest showers of my life immediately after he left. I just felt dirty and ashamed I'd given in when I really didn't want to do it. All that time with him, it felt like I'd just been going through the motions and playing the perfect girlfriend part or something. Maybe it took me nearly dying to realize all of that, to realize that if I was dating someone, much less consider marrying them, I'd be damned sure I was totally in love, mind, body and soul. I didn't want to go through the motions anymore. I had realized that life was precious.

I shook myself out of the memory and smiled my best smile at Amy, "It's good, sorry to yell at you. But look, we need to get ready for the game!" She laughed and went to the couch, muttering that she was already ready. I laughed and turned back to my room. In moments, I'm in a near panic, unable to find my jersey. "Has anyone seen my jersey?!" I yell in desperation. Then I sigh in satisfaction at just now finding my shorts. "Yeah, they're on the dryer" Amy yells back and laughs at me as I fly to the laundry room. Thankfully, I keep the rest of my kit in my large gym bag, so I know I've got everything else ready. Now, I just have to do my hair and makeup, so I can 'look good, feel good, play good.' Twenty minutes later, in a rush and running late as usual, I run out the door, smiling as I hear everyone yell and cheer me out the door.

As I race toward our locker room, I have to slow myself for a moment when I nearly run into a tall blond girl. I catch her eyes for a moment and gasp. I quickly look away and continue into our locker room. Somehow, I'm only 5 minutes late and luckily coach is in his office talking with our keeper. I high five a couple of girls on the way to an open bench, then quickly sit down, try to act like I've been there all along, and pull out my cleats. I'm distracted though as I think about the blond, she was stunning, and I shake my head at thinking that type of word to describe her, and her eyes had made me lose my breath for some reason. I could only hope she didn't notice, as I couldn't understand my odd behavior. Excited voices fill the locker room as each of my teammates prep for the game. We quickly head out to the field to warm up, jostling against each other, barely able to contain our excitement for our first game of the season. All too soon the whistle blows for the final lineup before the match.

While the UNC team lines up, I start my pre-game look at their players, most of which have carried over from past seasons. I could feel someone's gaze and I looked around and saw that same tall blond staring at me. The intensity in her hazel eyes surprises me, and I find myself blushing for getting caught looking at her. After a second though I can't help but look again. She is striking. She looks more like a damned model than a soccer player, I find myself thinking, then realize she's looking at me again as one of her defenders whispers someone to her and she laughs. Wow, her smile is incredible, and she has an incredible dimple on her left cheek. And I can feel my face flushing again. What the hell is wrong with me, I wonder, and I turn to my mid back and ask if she knows which one is their new goalkeeper. She nods her head towards the blond and says "That's Ashlyn Harris... Oh, and she's supposed to be quite the stud" and laughs. I turn to her in confusion, to ask her what she means, but then coach yells us over for a huddle.

As we line up to shake our opponents hands before kickoff, I find myself looking at the blond again, yet trying not to look like I'm looking. She's joking with her defenders and suddenly I feel her gaze catch me again. And dammit, like a shot, I feel a blush start up again. I quickly look to the ground, trying to gain my composure, to focus back to the upcoming match. What the hell is going on with me? The line starts moving and we quickly shake hands with the Tar-Heels. Suddenly, I feel as if I've been struck by lightning and I look up to see their blond goalkeeper looking at me intensely and I find that I can't look away from those eyes. A cough startles me and I look down to see I'm still holding the blond's hand. I feel a strange tingling heat racing up my arms and my legs go weak. "C'mon Ali, what's the hold up?" my mid back gently shoves me from behind. I look quickly back to the blond, who has a smug look in her eyes, and I stammer and yank my hand from hers. By the time I reach the end of the line, I still feel weak and.. just off. What the hell?! I force myself not to look at the blond again, focusing on my teammates and getting into game mode.

Ashlyn's POV:

To say I'm stoked would be a huge understatement. Tonight is my first start as GK for my team. My dream is finally happening and I can barely sit still. My roommate Tobin is casually watching ESPN yet manages to chastise me with a "Chill out Ash" before she heads in to take her shower. I just shake my head, jump off off the bed, take a quick round the hotel room and sit back down in agitation, trying to focus on whatever the heck is on ESPN, all needless to say without much success. Within what seems like just a few minutes, Tobin walks out with the towel wrapped around her and a "It's all yours" nod toward the bathroom.

"Hey, did you say there was a party you heard about after the game?" I say as I walk out from my shower. Tobin rolls her eyes, "Maybe I heard about one..." and does her slow smile. "Cmon, don't hold out on me Tobs! What do we know about this party?" She knows I'll need something fun after my first start, so her teasing is to be expected. "Well, actually it's supposed to be the party that the Lions are going to, but it's supposed to have a sweet crowd regardless." I turn and give her a look of surprise, "So after we play them, then we can PLAY them at the party?" I laugh at my silly turn of phrase and Tobs smiles, nodding her head. Sweet, I mutter under my breath. "So, are you gonna try and pick up one of them at the party or what?" Tobs laughs at my leering grin and I nod, playing into her thinking that I'm such a player with the girls. Sure, I like to flirt, but I'm not really a player, but it is kinda cool having my teammates think it. Tobs continues shaking her head in awe of my amazing skill with the ladies, and tells me to hurry up and get dressed.

We jump off the bus with excitement, knowing that this first game of the season is against a tough team. As we head in to the locker room, a few of the Lion's team are hurrying into their nearby locker room door and suddenly I catch my breath. A short brunette with cinnamon brown eyes hurries past me with a quick glance that nearly knocks me off my feet. She is so beautiful that I swear I've forgotten how to breathe. Tobs runs into me with a what the hell and I start breathing again. I turn to her, "If I'm picking up anyone at that party tonight, she's the one!" and Tobs smiles and nods, "Yeah, she was pretty hot" and drags me toward the locker room. I basically fall onto the first bench I can find and shake my head to try to focus on the upcoming game, not the goddess I nearly ran into just moments before. Finally, I drop my bag and start putting on my gear, trying to ignore the minor roar of my teammates winding up for the game. 

As we warm up before the game, I keep stealing glances at the gorgeous brunette. I can feel the heat in my face as I watch her focus and her skill as she dribbles and sends a quick pass to her teammate. She is one those rare girls who looks like she could be in Vogue and yet has the hot body of a soccer player, a killer combination. The ball hits me on the head and I turn in irritation to our GK coach, but bite my tongue instead of cussing him out. He just smiles and tells me to focus, and I drop my head for a moment realizing he's right, I need to focus, to get into game mode. The coach yells for us to gather and I jog over slowly, catching one last glance of the brunette, sighing in complete and admittedly lustful admiration. 

We line up for the game, many of us hopping up and down, excited and ready for the game. As they call off the starting lineup for the Lions, I carefully wait to see what the brunette's name is, what position she's at. I'm guessing back or midfield based on her stature. Number 22, Ali Krieger, playing right back is announced and the brunette, my brunette (I smile to myself), steps forward. Ali, nice name, I think. When they start calling off our team, I catch her looking directly at me, not once but several times and it almost looks like she blushes. I take in a deep breath, thinking I'm probably being a bit hopeful. Yet I continue staring at her and she keeps looking back at me. Oh my gosh, I totally have to talk to her at the party tonight! Then I feel myself start to blush and my stomach clench with nerves. What the hell? I never get nervous about girls. Then we start jogging down the lines, shaking our opponents hands. When her hand touches mine I swear I might have jumped from the electricity of it. I quickly look to her eyes to see if she noticed and her gorgeous eyes lock on mine, and for a moment that seems like forever we just stare at each other. Then she's jostled by her teammate to keep moving. She looks down to see she's still holding my hand, which I don't mind at all, considering how good it feels, but then she yanks it away and I swear she's blushing as she looks down and heads on to give Tobin her handshake. I realize that I haven't taken a breath and do so, when I'm yanked toward the sideline by a grinning Tobs. I shrug my shoulders, like What? And she just hits me on my arm and mouths focus! I give one last glance to the brunette, Ali, as she walks over to their sideline and then slap my hands together and pat my defenders as we head out to take the field. The match is on!


	2. First blush of romance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What will happen after the game? Will they ever see each other off the field?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this starts moving along at a better pace. Tell me what you think. :)

Ali's POV

The game is intense and hard fought. I'm totally immersed in the action. It's nearly the 80th minute and we're still tied at zero. Then, our team manages to steal a slightly sloppy pass from UNC at mid field and our forwards swarm toward the penalty area. A quick one-touch between them and one of UNC's backs runs into their GK, knocking her over. Our striker pounces at the opening and sends the ball screaming into the empty net. Yes! Our team piles on top of Carrie in front of the goal. It takes a minute for us to peel off from the stack and we're fist bumping and yelling at each other the entire time. I see their GK get up slowly and reach for the defender who knocked her down and I'm kind of amazed at her calm. No angry words at her defender, just a pat on the back and a rueful and sad smile shared between them. I can't help but feel bad for her, since she'd had an amazing game blocking some unbelievable shots. She would undoubtedly have had a clean sheet if her defender hadn't knocked her down. The whistle blows, bringing me out of my thoughts, and I run back upfield with my teammates. 

Pretty soon the final whistle blows with our one-nothing win. We straggle to centerfield to shake hands with UNC. I find myself watching for their GK without really knowing why. I'm second to last with our team and the blond is the last from theirs in the line. I find myself getting more and more nervous the closer she gets. Then, she's in front of me and I pause and she smiles and says good game and then, while I'm still speechless, she puts her arms around me and hugs me. For a moment, I am rigid, in total shock. Then, I feel the heat from her, the tingling in my body and I wrap my arms around her and feel her tense shoulders relax. Her hands are gentle against my shoulder blades, and I feel a shiver run all the way down to my toes as her hands move down towards my hips. Oh my god, I cannot breathe, and I feel heat all through my body, my knees going weak. She releases me slowly, looking into my eyes with a look that kind of scares me. Her eyes are so dark and intense, I feel myself stepping toward her again. Then, Amy runs up to grab me in a hug and the blond slowly turns away, her eyes never leaving mine. Amy says something to me, but I have no idea what she's said. I can only stare after the blond, completely breathless, part of me feeling the strangest feeling of loss that I've ever felt.

Amy thumps my arm with a "Hello Ali, what the fuck?" And I finally drag my eyes to her with a soft Huh? She laughs at me and hugs me again in congratulations. I stiffly hug her, not being particularly fond of hugging. It's funny though, because when the blond hugged me, I would've gladly kept hugging her for days, it had felt so good. Weird, I think and Amy pulls me toward the locker room, yelling at other teammates along the way in excitement over our victory. I feel bad cause she couldn't play today due to an ankle sprain, so I pat her on the back to let her know I'm back in the land of the living. The locker room is a madhouse and so loud I wish I could turn down the volume. 

I decide to take a quick shower, as do many of my teammates, many who plan on making a big night of partying the rest of the night. As the water cascades down my body, I find myself thinking about the blond again. Why do I keep thinking about her, I wonder?! I feel more heat than just the shower water as I remember how it felt in that hug. My arms break out in goose bumps as I feel the heat and my heart starting to race remembering how it felt when she ran her hands down to my waist. I've never felt anything like that and part of me is scared to death about it. I shiver and try to shake myself out of this reverie, feeling flushed and confused at how it felt, how it still makes me feel even now. I finally finish up the shower and realize nearly everyone has left the locker room. Somehow, I'm ok with that. Right now I'm feeling really flustered and confused. Amy runs back in and asks "So, you're in to go to the party, right Ali?" And I surprise myself by saying no, that I'd rather just go home and rest. She shakes her head in surprise but is quickly turned around as our roommates Jen and Lindsey rush in and drag her out. Amy sends me a quick questioning look but I just nod and say go on, have fun and watch them leave amongst giggles.

Grabbing my bag, I walk slowly out of the locker room and sense someone standing off to the side of the doors, lounging like they're waiting for someone. I turn to let them know I'm the last one out, when I stop, because it's the blond GK and I'm left with my mouth open like an idiot. She smiles with that incredible dimple and I feel myself flushing again and look quickly to the floor. "So, I'm Ashlyn..." She starts and I look up to see her smile faltering and a slight blush on her cheeks. "Um, hi, yes. I'm Ali..." and I mumble on for a moment, at a sudden loss for words. Her eyes catch mine and there is a sweet gentleness to them, causing me to smile back. Ashlyn reaches back to rub her neck, looking slightly at a loss herself, but then she says quietly "would you like to maybe hang out for a little bit... I mean, I you.. Well, if you want, I mean..." She looks down to her feet then back into my eyes and I find myself moving closer to her. My hand touches her arm and I freeze, feeling the tingling heat race up to my throat. I'm not a touchy feely type of person and I'm totally surprised at how easy and natural it feels to touch her. My eyes go back to hers and she is smiling again slowly and yet I can swear it looks like she's blushing as well. I smile and rub my hand against her arm and quietly say "Yeah, I'd love to." 

Her smile gets bigger and that damned dimple comes out again. "Oh, but actually" and I see her face fall, so I rub my hand against her arm again and continue "well, I mean I'm not really wanting to hang out with a big group or anything, so..." and she starts to smile again. "I mean I was just going to go home and watch a movie or something. So, uh, well, if you'd like, you can come over.. I mean, all my roommates will be out all night, so.. well..." And suddenly I realize if she says yes, then we'd be all alone, just her and I, in my room. Alone. I feel a huge blush come over me and I drop my hand from her arm and look at the ground, complete overwhelmed with nerves. And I don't know why I feel so nervous and excited. I nearly jump as I feel her hand gently take mine, and I feel lightheaded and warm all at the same time. "Yeah, let's go" she says and smiles that gentle smile at me again. Before I can really think, we've walked to my apartment.

Once we walk in, I slow, abruptly scared. I realize she's still holding my hand when I feel her gently squeeze it, "Hey, do you have anything to drink" she asks and I sigh in relief, finally having some goal to focus on. I open the fridge and grab the first thing I find, an unopened bottle of cheap German wine. She pulls me gently and I grab a couple cups and lead her to my room, feeling completely overwhelmed. Why is this so weird, I wonder? I've brought friends over before, but I've never felt so flustered, so nervous, and well so excited. I hand her the bottle and gesture to my my bed and I turn to my DVD player, rummaging around and pop in the first one I find, Mr. and Mrs. Smith with Angelina Jolie. I walk slowly to the other side of the bed, where she's already propped up against the wall, shoes off and looking completely relaxed. Damn, I wish I could relax I think as I grab the bottle from her and start pouring us both a drink. She smiles and clinks her cup against mine and leans back again, saying, "oh, hey I love this movie. Angelina is so hot in this" I nearly choke, then gulp down the drink in one quick swallow. She looks over at my surprise and shrugs, "oh, um, yeah, I'm.. I'm gay... That's not.. Is that a problem?"

I'm sure I'm there with my mouth hanging open again, and I find myself flushing hard, having trouble breathing again. So, that's what's our mid back meant when she said Ashly was a stud. Oh. My. God. I feel my face heat up and why was this freaking me out? My brother Kyle is gay and it didn't phase me, I was totally cool with it. OK, maybe I'm a bit sheltered, but I'd never heard a girl say she was gay. I mean, there are a couple girls on our team that I'm pretty sure are gay, but they never made a big deal out of it or anything. And yeah, a couple of my roommates had drunken make outs with a few girls, but that was no big deal. And, if I was honest, I'd had a few drunken dirty dances with a few girls at parties too, but it didn't really mean anything, right? Holy shit, I realize she's staring at me, that she's starting to think I'm like a homophobe or something. I touch her arm and then quickly pull it back, and say "No, it's no big deal. It's totally cool." And she leans back slowly, but I still see doubt in her face and I pat her arm again, giving her a smile, and she finally smiles back flashing her dimple. I find that I was holding my breath, so I take in a deep breath and try to relax.

I turn back to the movie, having no idea what to say now. I can feel every nerve in my body, as if I need to run for cover at any moment and I huff to myself to chill out, that this is no big deal. I pour another cupful for myself. I find myself watching Angelina carefully in the movie, trying to see how she was hot, curious why Ashlyn would find her attractive. As I watch Angelina I feel a strange sensation, like opening my eyes for the first time seeing something that I'd never noticed before. My gosh, Angelina was hot, the way she moved, the way her eyes seemed to pull you in.. Oh my god, I felt myself flush and I took a quick glance over to Ashlyn, who couldn't seem to draw her eyes away from Angelina. I could tell Ashlyn was breathing a little heavy and I realized I was too, but now I didn't know if it was because of Angelina or Ashlyn. Ashlyn's eyes catch mine and I suddenly know that I'm breathing heavy because of Ashlyn, her eyes are dark and I see her eyes flick down to my lips then back up to catch my eyes again. Her eyes grow darker and I realize I'm learning toward her, that our lips are only inches from each other. And then I gasp as the biggest realization hits me - I'm attracted to Ashlyn, that I desperately want her to kiss me, like right now. I feel my knee against her thigh and heat shoots all through me. I look up to Ashlyn and she's staring at my lips again. And then, she leans in and gently brushes her lips against mine. I might've moaned for how good it felt, as suddenly I'm pulling her against me and crushing against her lips. I know I moan when I feel her tongue slide past my lips and I hold her head against me and thrust my tongue against hers. We kiss for what seems like hours and I finally pull back to catch my breath, looking into her eyes with shock and a hunger I'd never felt before. No one had ever kissed me like that, well, I mean no one had ever made me so excited and lost in a kiss, and I knew that I wanted to kiss her again, and again and never stop. I couldn't stop looking into her eyes and hear a wow, when I realize that I'm the one who said it as Ashlyn smiles slowly at me.

Ashlyn's POV

The end is in sight as were near the last 10 minutes, still no goals. I'm feeling good, having a shut out so far when suddenly Penn State is racing towards me with only a few of my defenders keeping up. My center back races into the penalty area just ahead of the 2 Lions strikers. They slide the ball to the other and I shift my position when I feel myself falling, tangled against my own mid back, who was crossing to cover the ball. Dammit, I see the ball fly and swish against the net. There goes my clean slate for the game. I reach down and help pull up my mid back and give her a quick pat and small smile indicating she's ok, that we're ok. The rest of he game flies by and we end up losing one-zero in a very tight game. 

We line up smartly in center field, always to be gracious even in a loss. Near the end, I see the brunette Ali, shaking the hand on my mid back just before me, and I feel myself break out in a sweat. This is my chance, but I'm not sure exactly for what. Then, she's standing in front of me with her hand halfway out to mine, and without realizing what I'm doing, I put my arms around to hug her. Woah, a shock rings through me and I freeze up, realizing what I'd done with a virtual stranger. But before I can pull away in embarrassment, she puts her arms around me and I can feel the tension leave my body, leaving me to breathe against her neck and trying to control my racing heart. Holy shit, how can she make me feel this way, I think. Without a thought, my hands sweep lower down her back and I stop with a jolt when I touch her hips, and I look up at her with surprise. And her eyes, oh my god, those beautiful cinnamon eyes are looking right back at me and I can swear she's blushing. I start to pull back just as one of her teammates grabs her and pulls her in for a hug. I try to turn away, suddenly jealous, but I can't stop looking in her eyes. I realize that she's still looking at me, those eyes following me and burning a hole in my heart, until she's pulled away toward the rest of her team and I hold back a sigh of disappointment. Everyone on my team knows I'm a hugger but I've never felt anything like that before, like my entire body was on fire, like I didn't know how to breath, like I never wanted to let go.

Now I find myself outside our locker room, hair still damp from a quick shower, and I don't even remember going into our locker room! I've been in a daze ever since that hug, ever since that look in her eyes. It seemed like a cross between confusion and a wild intensity that I couldn't quite understand, but I know I would have kept looking into her eyes forever if she let me. Tobin walks out and whacks me on my shoulder and just shakes her head in commiseration, knowing I'm not a big talker after a loss. She gives me a small smile and then the other mid backs grab and drag her toward the bus. I catch her real quick and tell her "I'm going catch a bus or something later dude, I just need to chill for a while" and she nods in her perfect understanding and I watch as the bus pulls away with a sigh. I walk over to the nearest wall and lean up against it.

Just when I'm getting ready to push off the wall and head out to walk around the campus, someone comes out of the home team locker room. I hold back a gasp as I realize it's her, the brunette and I'm left staring at her like a complete fool. I quickly scrabble to recover and start a smile and introduce myself and she quietly does likewise and quickly looks down to her feet. Her voice is amazing, soft, almost a mumble, and I know I would listen to that voice mesmerized for hours. I hear myself saying "would you like to maybe hang out for a little bit... I mean, I you.. Well, if you want, I mean..." and I feel like my words are all tangled up. She looks down at her feet then back up to me and catches my shy smile. I nearly jump out of my skin when her hand touches my arm, and I think all the blood rushes to my face, as I hear her say the most beautiful words I've ever heard, "Yeah, I'd love to."

I can feel my smile starting again, but almost immediately feel like she's knocked the wind out of me when I hear her backtracking, like she forgot about some other, or thinks of more interesting plans.. I don't hear all of her words, as I feel my heart breaking then suddenly I catch the last of what she's saying. "... So, uh, well, if you'd like, you can come over.. I mean, all my roommates will be out all night, so.. well..." and she looks quickly to my eyes and then looks down and starts to blush. I have to stop myself from fist pumping and instead I find myself gently grabbing her hand and saying "Yeah, let's go", afraid that she'll change her mind. 

When we walk into her apartment, I feel her slow down and I gently squeeze her hand, realizing that she's nervous but I don't know why. I suggest maybe getting something to drink, which she quickly grabs and then leads me into her bedroom. I smile, not too surprised that it's so girly. Off white, pink and light blues set the tone, while there are several soccer posters, nicely keeping it from being suffocatingly girly. She nods me to sit down on the bed, so I take off my shoes and lean up against the back and the wall, watching her rustle around the DVD player for a moment. Even in her shorts and t-shirt, she is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen and I can't tear my eyes away. She walks slowly to the other side of the bed and my eyes follow her, she blushes as she sits down next to me. She quickly hands me a cup of wine which I clink against hers and turn to the movie, saying, "oh, hey I love this movie. Angelina is so hot in this." At her coughing, I look over and see her flushing a bright red as she downs her entire drink in one gulp. Then I realize, for the first time, that she is really nervous and I know I have to tell her. So I nervously stumble out the words, "oh, um, yeah, I'm.. I'm gay... That's not.. Is that a problem?" I can feel all the blood rush to my face, thinking, oh god, let her be gay too, please!

I find myself holding my breath as she looks away, her hands pulling against the bedspread, and the silence gets longer. Oh shit, I start to pull away, thinking I've just made her completely repulsed, when she shyly looks up and says "No, it's no big deal. It's totally cool" and I can breath again. She turns back to the movie and I try to watch it, but I keep glancing over to her, I can tell she's still flustered, and I worry that maybe she's not so cool with me being gay. I take one more longing look and get ready to make whatever graceful getaway I can, when she glances over to me and I snap me head back to the TV, terrified that she knew I was watching her. I could feel her eyes on me like they're burning holes into me and so I look back and catch her glance. I nearly gasp at what I see, I can tell she's breathing hard, and her eyes are growing darker and I see a hunger there that I completely understand since I'm feeling that too. My god, she feels it too, I'm shocked to realize. She's moving closer to me and I can feel her breath against my cheeks. I feel a jolt as her knee slides against my thigh and I look up to her eyes and can't help but look at her lips again. I think someone sighs, but I don't know who, and I look back into those eyes, so dark, basically begging me to kiss her. And before I can think, I'm touching my lips against hers. Oh god, her lips looked so soft, and they are, but when I start to pull away, she grabs me and pulls me in. Her lips make my arms weak and my heart race, and I tentatively brush my tongue against her lips and hear her moan as she opens her lips and her tongue flutters against mine. This time I think it's me that groans as she pulls me tighter, deepening the most incredible kiss I've ever felt. Finally, after the longest kiss, we slowly lean back and her eyes are like magnets that I cannot escape from. And, as I feel her sigh against me, I think she says Wow and I can't stop my smile, in total agreement.


	3. First taste of real desire - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 Part 1 is from Ali's POV. Next chapter will be Part 2, from Ashlyn's POV.
> 
> Will the flirting continue? Will it escalate? Will Ali give in to the desire she doesn't entirely recognize, much less understand?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I've already slipped up in my intended format, which was to cover both Ali and Ashlyn's POV in a single chapter. This felt complete with just Ali's POV, but fear not, we will get to Ashlyn's POV in the following Chapter. 
> 
> Any comments on my first attempt at sexy time writing would be extra appreciated. I have no idea if I'm giving enough, not enough or just the right amount. 
> 
> Remember, I'm a virgin writer, so be gentle with me. ;)

Ali's POV

For a long moment, I stare back into her eyes, now so dark I feel like I'm falling into them. That was... incredible, earth shattering. And it was just a kiss. A kiss. With a girl. I kissed a girl! I feel my hands tremble and I start to pull away, totally shocked at what just happened. I feel a jolt as Ashlyn's hand touches my shoulder and I look back at her. She looks surprised too, but there's also something else, a longing, a tenderness in her gaze that stops me short. "Are you OK?" she asks in a quiet voice, almost sounding scared. I take a deep breath, not really knowing how to answer, not understanding what I'm feeling. "I don't.. I'm not.. I.. don't know..." And I can see the hurt in her eyes and I reach out to touch her arm, feeling the heat burning down my arm, to my chest, down to my core. Oh. My. God. I realize then that I don't want to stop. I want to touch her and I desperately want her to touch me again.

What feels like forever, my eyes trace from her arm and up to look in her eyes. How can I tell her, when I don't even know? My hand rubs against her arm and I can feel her twitch and sigh. I feel the heat racing from my chest up to my cheeks and I look down again to where I'm still touching her arm. Without fully thinking I say "I want you" with a groan. She pulls her hand down from my shoulder, moving down my arm until her hand is on top of mine. I feel shivers run down my spine and my eyes jump back to hers. I didn't think it was possible, but her eyes are growing darker than before. Again, I feel an inexplicable pull and move closer to her, turning my hand over and running my fingers across her palm, twisting my fingers with hers. I hear her groan in turn and her lips are pressed against mine with urgent need, my other hand goes to her neck and pulls her closer.

Oh my god, is the only thought that makes it across my brain, as I feel goosebumps break out and I flick my tongue across her lips, begging for entrance. Her lips part just enough and I feel her tongue glide across my lips. I can barely breathe, but I continue kissing her, now teasing her with my tongue as they dance together. I feel heat shoot down my body and my hips move toward her of their own accord. I swing my leg over her hips so I'm straddling her and my hips grind against her. Holy shit, that feels so good and I grind harder, feeling her thrust up against me, adding a torturous pressure to my core. I finally have to pull back for a moment, needing to catch my breath.

She looks up and captures my hazy gaze and a slow smile starts and as soon as her dimple shows I sigh and grab her face with both hands and pull her in for a deep kiss. She moans into my mouth and my tongue thrusts into hers and her hips jerk up against me at the same time. Fuck, I sigh into her mouth and feel her hands grasp my hips as she quickly flips me over onto my back. She leans over me, placing one of her legs between mine and presses her thigh up against me. I feel her breasts press gently against mine as the rest of her body molds into mine perfectly. I moan audibly and lock onto her eyes. My breathing races at her hungry look, a look that can only be desire. It is a beautiful look and my hips thrust against her, grinding against her thigh, unable to control myself. She pulls back from me slightly, eyes locked on mine, "we can still stop if you want" she says in a weak voice. I don't have to think about a reply, as I pull her back forcefully and press my lips against hers. She cries out softly and crushes her lips against mine, leaving me breathless.

When her tongue thrusts against my lips, when she deepens the kiss, my hands pull at her hips, sliding over her ass as I thrust up against her and I pull her toward me, panting with need. I know she finally got my answer when I feel her hands glide up from my waist, sliding under my shirt to lightly graze my stomach and then move with more purpose to my breasts. I feel heat race to my breasts and my nipples harden so fast that I gasp in surprise. Her right thumb flicks over my nipple, then she pinches it gently. I cannot hold in the deep moan as my chest arches into her hands while my hips thrusts against her thigh, achingly needing more pressure. I mutter a please and she looks into my eyes as she pulls off my shirt and bra in seemingly the same motion. The cold air causes goosebumps and my hands grab hers to place them again on my breasts and she smiles. "God you're beautiful" I hear her sigh as her lips dip down to my chest. As she flicks and nips at my nipples, I cry out in need, pulling her thigh against my aching core.

She looks up and her eyes are black with desire. I pull her roughly to kiss her hard, aggressively pushing my tongue against hers, grunting in my overwhelming need to feel more, wanting to melt into her. She pulls back again and I moan at the loss of feeling her. She quickly pulls off her shirt and bra and I'm left to stare at her beauty. My eyes glance down and I can see a slight flush across her chest, her nipples hard and I lick my lips, wanting badly to taste her skin. I impatiently try to pull her back down on top of me, but she stops me with a smile, holding my sides softly. Her hands glide down to my waist and her fingers graze against the top of my shorts, then her hand brushes down to cup my core. Oh god, she must feel my heat, my wet, my need. I jerk against her hand, wanting more pressure and she smirks. Her fingers move back to the top of my shorts and slide underneath, making my breath catch. She looks into my eyes, a questioning look and I lift my hips so she can slide my shorts and underwear off. Her thigh slides up against mine and finally against my throbbing core and I cry out in a desperate groan.

My hands clasp her waist, feeling the fabric of her shorts, and I begin to tug at them. She puts her hand atop mine and helps me slide it off her. She watches me as I urgently pull her underwear off, then comes in for a devastating kiss. Oh my fucking god, the feel of her skin against mine is indescribable, intoxicating, overwhelming. I feel her breast press against mine and I groan so loud that she looks back into my eyes. My body is shaking and my weak hands clasp hers and pull them down between my legs. I'm so close to the edge and I cannot stand much more. I put my hand over hers and guide it into my wet folds and twist my hips up to meet her hand. My hand falls uselessly to my side, as her hand strokes slowly and softly against me. I groan out in terrible need and she thrusts a finger inside of me. I beg her for more and she slides another finger deep into me and I feel myself shudder, so very close to the edge. My please pushes her on and her head moves to my breasts, sucking and biting and filling me with deeper need. 

"God, you're so wet" she mumbles as her lips trace my abs and move lower, while her fingers thrust in and out more quickly. Her other hand tries to hold my bucking hips down, without much success, as my hips lunge to meet her fingers inside me. I jerk when her tongue hits my clit, then slowly circles, in rhythm with her thrusting fingers. I can hear myself pleading in what sounds like incomprehensible words as the heat builds up in me. I groan as her tongue leaves my clit and sigh when she pulls her fingers out from inside me. Her tongue glides through my folds and sends a shock through me as she thrusts her tongue deep inside me. My hips ram against her mouth, wanting to feel her completely inside me, desperately wanting release. Her fingers slide back into me and she sucks on my clit as I begin to shake uncontrollably against her. Her fingers curl inside me and send further shock waves through my body as my core ripples and clamps down against her fingers. "Fuck.. Ashlyn.. Yes.. don't... stop" I plead breathlessly as wave after wave shakes through me. I somehow manage to pull her face back up to mine and kiss her weakly. Oh god, I can taste myself on her lips and it causes me to shudder again as another incredible orgasm rips through me. She lays her head down on my chest and I can feel her breath racing against me. I shyly look down at her and she smiles, "was that OK?" she asks and I laugh at the question. "I.. I've never.. That was.. You were incredible" I'm finally able to say. And her smile widens, showing her beautiful dimple, and I put my arms around her.


	4. And I thought I knew what desire was - Part 2 from prior chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashlyn thought she knew what desire was...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long. Real life drama was messing with my writing life.
> 
> Hope to put out new chapters every couple of days.

Ashlyn's POV

Those beautiful eyes are looking right into me, and I see her shock, her confusion. She starts to pull away and I think I really may die. I've never felt such a strong desire, such a reckless want for anyone, for anything before in my life. I touch her shoulder gently and she jerks a little against me, so I ask if she's ok. Words of comfort bounce in my head but do not make it to my lips. I'm terrified of what to say, terrified to say the wrong thing, but most of all terrified that she didn't feel what I felt. She mumbles something my fuzzy mind cannot quite make out, but it doesn't sound like a rejection, just confused. Her hand touches my arm, surprising me, and I look back up at her, fear and hope warring within me. What I see fills me with wonder and joy. Her eyes are darkening and I can see her raw want and a sureness I had not seen there before, almost as if she's just starting to understand what she feels, what she wants. 

Her gaze burns as it moves from where her hand rests on my arms and agonizingly moves up, briefly slowing as she looks at my lips. Her hand rubs against my arm and I lock my eyes onto hers with a sigh and a shudder I cannot contain. How can she make me feel like I'm so completely falling apart and yet so perfectly right to be near her? I pray that she cannot feel me quivering. She mutters "I want you" and my hand slides down from her shoulder to the top of her hand. My arms feel almost numb with my critical need to feel her. Her eyes are so dark as her hands turns to twist with mine and I feel her heat as she moves closer to me. I can't stop myself from pulling her against me and lean in to touch those incredible lips again. I try to be slow, to be gentle, knowing she might still be scared, but instead she tugs me closer and kisses me more deeply, sending a flush of longing through me.

Her moan mingles with mine as her tongue flicks against my lips, and I feel my body quivering. My tongue takes the joyful chance to press against hers and they struggle for supremacy. I feel like I'm melting into her as the kiss deepens and I want to stay in this moment forever, because there cannot be anything more perfect than this. I feel pressure and weight at my hips and find her straddling me, and I stop breathing. She grinds against me and my hips jerk up to press against her, my body aflame, my heart racing. My vision grows fuzzy and I feel the loss as she pulls a bit away from me. I do my best to stifle my groan.

My eyes seek hers out, trying to say it's ok, trying to show how much I want her without scaring her. Thank the gods I see her desire reflected back and I feel my smile growing. She is so damned beautiful, I really am having trouble breathing. She pulls me to her lips and they envelop and dizzy me with their need, torturing me in the most amazing way, making me moan with my own need. Our tongues twist together, expressing our want in ways words cannot. I smile internally as I feel her hips move against mine and her mumbled fuck sends my body into overdrive. I grab her hips and flip her over gently, sliding and pressing my thigh between her legs, wanting to feel her heat. I nearly cry out as I feel her chest press against mine, the feel of her body touching mine overwhelming my senses. Her moan snaps me back to her hungry eyes and she grinds her core against my thigh and I think I may pass out. Without meaning to, I pull back and tell her we can still stop and I hold my breath and kick myself for even suggesting it. Oh god, she pulls me against her and kisses me and I know I'm totally lost in her as I cry out in sheer joy. Her kiss sends heat shooting through my body all the way to my core and I moan into her kiss, crushing my lips into hers.

My tongue dances past her lips, thrusting deep, and suddenly I can imagine doing this between her thighs, tasting her... Oh god, I deepen the kiss and make love to her mouth. Her hands slide over my ass and I shudder. My hands trace up her side, slip under her shirt and I want to cry out in wonder at the feel of her skin. Her skin is like silk. I can't stop my hands from moving up and when I touch her breasts, I think I lose my mind. I can feel her nipples hardening under my fingers and, of their own accord, they circle and pinch. I feel her thrust against my hips and plea for more as her chest arches into my hands. Without thinking, I yank off her shirt and bra and slow to gaze on her exquisite beauty. My breathing hitches and then races as her hands grab mine and place them on her breasts. I sigh and smile and hear myself say "God you're beautiful", as my lips find her nipple and I am lost again. Never have I felt this much, so much need, such a frightening urgency.

Her cry makes me pull back and seek her eyes, as dark as night, burning. Her lips crash into mine and her tongue lunges and bucks, leaving me gasping. I pull away and she moans, while I shrug off my shirt and bra, needing to feel her skin against me. I feel her eyes move down to my chest and see her lick her lips and I shudder. She tries to pull me back on top of her but I smile as my hands sweep down from her breasts, over her abs and stop as I feel her shorts beneath me. I can't stop, my hand moves slowly, brushing against her shorts, down to her core. Dear lord, I can feel her dampness, the heat of her, and she jerks and thrust up into my hand. Fuck! My hand desperately moves back to slide under her shorts and I feel her stop breathing. I look back into her eyes and feel her hips lift against my hand and I gently pull off her shorts and reverently pull off her underwear. Now it's me that can't breath as I slide my hip into her core, shivering at the incredible feel of her wet against me.

I'm brought back to reality by the feel of her tugging on my shorts and her breathless cry. I touch her hands lightly, following along as she tugs them off me and then my boy shorts, my eyes watching hers and sighing at the determined and cute look she has. My lips capture hers and I melt into her as I press my body into hers. I shudder as I feel her breasts slide against mine. Her moan draws me back and I can feel her shaking against me, and I know I'm shaking too, so very close to to falling over the edge. Her hand grabs mine and moves it down her body and I hold my breath. She guides my hand between her legs then into her wetness and my breath races. I tentatively stroke against her folds and try to control my desire. When I hear her pleading though, I can't stop myself from slipping my finger into her warmth. Fucking God, she feels so good. Her groan goads me on and I thrust another finger into her, feeling her shudder against me. Oh please hold on baby, I think, not wanting her to come just yet. I slow my fingers while she begs me please and my lips finds her breast. I bite and nip at her nipple as I continue thrusting slowly into her, getting wet at the feel of her.

And, oh, I can feel how wet she is for me and I groan out my wonder. My lips wander down her stomach, moving lower and lower. Her hips are jumping up to meet my fingers and I quicken my pace to match hers. Fuck, the feel of her around my fingers, clamping to hold and pull me in is making me weak. I try to hold her down, but her hips break free as my mouth finds her clit. I tease my tongue and circle her throbbing clit while thrusting deeper into her core. I hear her pleading with me and I pull back, watching as her eyes snap open and beg me to come back to her. I try not to smile as I pull my fingers slowly from inside her and nearly cry out at she sighs into me. My tongue slips between her folds and oh god, she tastes so good. Then I thrust my tongue deep into her, wanting to taste and feel her completely. She slams against me and my tongue moves deeper inside her then I pull back to slam my fingers back inside her, not wanting to tease her any further. I can sense she's close to orgasm and my tongue laps and sucks her clit as I coil my fingers inside her, wanting her to find release, wanting to feel her come against me. She quivers against me and I can feel the waves rising in her as she clamps down on my fingers. Words come tumbling out of her, "Fuck.. Ashlyn.. Yes.. don't... stop" and I continue thrusting gently into her to ride out her orgasm, not wanting this moment to end, wanting it to last forever. She pulls me up and kisses me, oh fuck she is so gentle and sweet against me. I feel her body shake as another waves rips through her and I lie my head against her chest, enjoying the feel of her body shuddering against me. When her shuddering slows, she looks down at me with a tender smile and I ask her if she's ok, which makes her giggle quietly. "I.. I've never.. That was.. You were incredible" she mumbles adorably, blushing and she puts her arms around me.


	5. It was a not a dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after... Emotions run the gambit and suddenly things get all too real...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In a way, this is kind of the beginning. Haven't we all, at some time or another, been swept up in the moment? What happens when you wake up from a beautiful dream, only to find that it wasn't a dream at all?

Ali's POV

My legs stretch, and I can feel strong, smooth legs twined with mine, intermingling with a soft sigh. Part of me knows I'm dreaming and the other part doesn't want it to end. I feel a shift as hips press up against my thighs and I turn so I can feel the press between my legs. Mmm, that feels so good, so I sway myself to straddle the strong thigh between my legs, adding more pressure. My hands grasp that wonderful thigh, pulling it more forcefully against my core and I feel myself groan in pleasure as my hips thrum with more need. God, I love dreams like this, where I can just let myself feel, without reservation or fear.

The thigh is torturing me, teasing me by sliding and grinding into my core, making me wet, making me moan, making me want so much more. I feel hands slipping gently down my sides, gripping my hips to encourage my movements, and I eagerly thrust upward. My hands slide down to grip the hips thrusting against me and I feel the heat growing, a flush shooting through me. Part of me is shocked that my body is acting this way, with such complete abandon and lust, the other part doesn't care about acting like the 'good girl' everyone expects of me, that I expect of myself. This is a dream, and I can just let myself revel in the incredible feel. 

A hand reaches between and glides through my folds, slowing to tease and circle my core and I sigh into the chest rubbing against mine. My hips quicken as the hand continues to stroke and tease and suddenly plunges into my wet and aching walls, filling me with sweet pressure, gentle strokes deep inside as I cry out. The fingers move quicker and quicker, deeper and deeper into me, to keep pace with the chaotic and desperate twist of my hips, grinding down on those wonderful fingers, trying to keep them inside me as long as possible. And I let myself feel the wonder of it, the strong fingers stroking and moving magically inside of me, burning like fire, making me weak with desire. Oh those fingers twist and press so perfectly, knowing just where to linger, just where to tease, knowing my body better than I've ever known it myself. I feel myself tense and whimper, afraid that I won't find release, as I never seem to. The fingers curl and slide in and out with greater urgency and I feel myself losing control. I'm terrified to let go, to be vulnerable, to acknowledge such shameless desires, to give in to what I so desperately want. But those fingers know what I need, even if I fear it, and I finally give in to them, relieved to remember that this is only a dream, that no one will ever know my secret desires. A trembling and shudder builds inside my walls, shaking my entire body with a pleasure that is almost too much to bear. I scream out in utter pleasure, hands shaking as they pull the silky soft body against mine. 

My eyes shutter open, my body still shuddering, and I find myself in the arms of the blond. Ashlyn! Oh. My. Fucking. God! Did she feel me as I had my dream, did I rub against her thinking it was only part of my dream?! She's looking at me with heavy lidded and darkened eyes, seeing through my veil of sleep, seeing all the way down to my secret dream, my darkest desires. My shaking is subsiding when I feel her fingers pull slowly from inside of me, wet with my desire, warm with my unspeakable needs. Her eyes locked on mine, boring down into mine. And I feel of a flush shoot to my face as I begin to realize that it was not a dream. It was not a dream. It. Was. Not. A. Dream. 

And it all starts to flood back to me. Not only my waking dream right now, but the entirety of last night. All the things we did, all the ways she touched me, the wild things my body did in response to her touch, the way I touched her back... All the things I've ever dreamed of... Everything... It was too much. I jumped out of bed in a panic, trying not to cry. Looking down to see that I was completely naked only freaked me out even more. I had sex. With. A. Girl. I had sex with a girl! I had sex with Ashlyn! My mind freezes up while I stalk around, picking up and yanking on my clothes wildly. Before I leave the room, I'm drawn to look at her one last time. I quickly turn and see her sitting up in my bed, naked and beautiful, and I whimper in confusion. My mind recognizes the look of shock and hurt in her eyes. Unable to continue the gaze, I turn away quickly, feeling my stomach drop, knowing that I can no longer pretend that this had all been a wild dream. I run out of my room, fly out of my apartment, and just... run.

Ashlyn's POV 

When I felt the glances of the sun, I opened my eyes slowly, wondering if last night had been real, afraid to find out it was, terrified to find out it wasn't. I could feel the weight of someone against my side, breathing deeply, and I look while holding in my gasp of joy. It was her, Ali, and she is nestled up against me, her body curled into my side, her arm across my stomach, her fingers cupping my right breast lightly in sleep. Oh, thank the gods it wasn't just a dream! She is even more beautiful than I remember her. Her hair is splayed around her face and neck, wonderfully dark with highlights of lighter brown mixed in. She has the softest, sweetest snore, sometimes mixed with little mews and mumbles that spread heat through my body.

Her fingers flex and graze my breast in a totally unconscious yet tantalizing light movement, and I moan, amazed how much that simple touch affects me. She sighs and rubs her leg against me, then throws her leg over my closest as her hand drifts down to lay on my thigh. I can feel the burn and heat rush through me from where her hand lies. I'm left to wonder if she's actually awake and teasing or if she's still drifting in sleep. My body isn't ready to make that distinction, seeing as how her body is telling me quite clearly what she's feeling. 

I shift so my thigh is more firmly between her legs and her hips move toward me. Almost dreamily, her hands pulls me into her gently swaying hips, rubbing against me lazily, setting me completely on fire. I rub my thigh into her core gently yet firmly, increasing the pressure as her hips undulate against me. I can feel the heat of her, and her dampness sliding on my leg, and it is so damned good. I close my eyes, letting myself fully concentrate on the feel of her core, her folds slipping hotly against my thigh. My hands run down her sides to grab her by the hips and move them more quickly and roughly against me, unable to stop myself.

My hand moves unhurriedly down from her hips, over the top of her thigh, then smoothly down to her core. She is so hot, so wet against me. How can anyone be so utterly perfect, I wonder. I look up and her eyes are still closed, but I see the longing and need on her face, a look she tried so hard to hide from me last night. I try to hold myself back, but my fingers glide over and into her folds and I'm overwhelmed again at the incredible feel of her, so soft, so silky, so warm beneath me. She grinds gently against my hand and my fingers slip into her warm, satin core, gasping as her walls pull me further into her. I stroke and move my fingers in wonder at the feel of her, holding me so gently yet so firmly, daring me to pull out, begging me to thrust back in. Her hips move more urgently against my fingers and I thrust harder, deeper, quicker, getting caught up watching as she envelops my fingers so greedily, so easily. Whimpers and soft cries tear out from her as my fingers coil to touch that one spot on her inner wall that will send her over. For a moment, I feel her tense, then she begins to shudder and buck against my fingers, her hands tearing against my back. Her walls ripple and grip my fingers in a painful ecstasy and I continue gently thrusting into her, wanting to feel every pulse of her core against my hand. 

She cries out sharply as her eyes snap open and her hips lift up against me. I look at her in wonder and awe as her body quivers against me. I look deeply in her eyes as I slowly pull my fingers out of her, seeing her eyes widen and darken simultaneously, and a dark flush rises to her face. A torrent of emotions flash across her eyes, ending in something that looks like shock, bordering on alarm. I feel a sudden, sharp dread fill my stomach as she pulls away from me. I try to say something, anything, but my mouth does not seem to function. I can feel something breaking in me as she jumps out of the bed, manically jerking on her clothes, looking anywhere but at me. As she opens the door to her room, her head wrenches to look at me and I see a wild panic in her eyes and hear a painful, strangled cry escape her. And then she is gone. And I... I am shattered.


	6. Surreal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confusion, hurt, denial. 
> 
> Finding yourself is not as easy as the romance novels and poems make it out to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting under the skin, finally. Starting to peel back the layers.

Ashlyn's POV

The echo of the door slamming resounds in my head. Ali was gone, she had just run out of the room and apartment, leaving me here, on her bed. The look on her face had been... devastating. My mind is not really processing this, as what had seemed the best night ever had become a nightmare morning, all in a flash. I hear movement in the apartment, shuffling of feet that come closer to the closed door, a gentle knock. I leap out of bed and shove my clothes on, then open the door. It's not her, it's not Ali. And I feel that terrible emptiness grow in my stomach.

"Um.. Hello..." says the confused girl at the door, presumably a roommate. I stutter something and almost run to the front door, not wanting to talk, just wanting to get out of there. I don't really know where I'm going, I just start walking.

Ali's POV

I realize I'm sitting on a park bench, panting like I've run a marathon, and perhaps I have. I don't remember how I got here. I look down at my shaking hands, as images and moments flash through my mind. 

_Ashlyn looking in my eyes as she grabs my waist. My hand caressing her breast. Ashlyn's fingers sliding inside of me. Ashlyn kissing me. Me thrusting my hips into Ashlyn, begging her for more. Me screaming out her name as I orgasm..._

Too much, it's too much. My mind goes as numb as my body feels. I concentrate on breathing, on the air brushing against my face. I concentrate on my shoelaces, which are untied. I focus on a leaf fluttering by on the ground. Slowly, sensation starts coming back to me. My stomach aches from being clenched so hard.

I get up gingerly, feeling as if I might fall to pieces if I move too quickly. Reality comes jolting back as I find myself at the front door of my apartment. I open the door automatically and walk towards my bedroom. The door is closed. My hand reaches out but falters, my heart racing and my stomach in tatters. Is she still here? What will I say? A voice jerks me back, as my roommate Amy grabs my shoulder, "Hey, your friend took off." And suddenly I'm crying.

Amy looks at me in shock, then pulls me into my room and sets me down on my bed. "Hey, it's ok" she hugs me. "Tell me what's going on." Her hands rub against my back and I try to pull myself together. "It was Ashlyn, the UNC goalkeeper..." I mumble, not able to continue. Amy pulls my chin toward her, "Um, ok. What does that mean?" I shudder and try again, "She spent the night." Again, I feel Amy's aggravation, "yes, I figured that out... And?" I feel a blush rising and I look down at my bed, wringing the sheets in my hands. "I.. I.. slept with her" I whisper, not really sure if I'm saying it out loud. I feel Amy pull away from me and I cringe, knowing what she must think of me. Ali's the good girl, never does anything unexpected, never the wild one, so innocent and sweet, and certainly never sleeps with another girl...

"Wow... So finally" and she laughs. I look up to her, sure I didn't quite hear her correctly. "What do you mean?" I ask defensively, my blush growing. She sighs dramatically, "Oh Ali, sometimes I wonder if your head is permanently stuck in the sand" as she pats me on the back with affection. Now I feel my own aggravation going, "what the hell do you mean Amy?" She pulls me in closer and hugs me harder, then pulls away to look at me. "Ali, geez, you're my best friend. But, well honestly, I never thought you'd figure it out." I jump up and start pacing around the room, then yell at her, "figure _what_ out?!" I feel myself tense and coiled, terrified at what she's going to say. She shrugs and says blandly, "well, that you like girls" and gives me a surprised look, as if the answer were obvious. I feel my knees going out and I sit hard on the floor, staring at my best friend as if I've never seen her before. She comes over and pats me on the head, then sits down next to me and grabs my hand. "Ali, it's ok. It's really ok." My hands are shaking and I cannot make myself look up at her. And my mind is screaming, no, no it is _not_ ok, this is not happening, I do not 'like' girls, she's being ridiculous!

Ashlyn's POV

I look up to see the front of the hotel we're staying at, amazed that I somehow found my way back here. I had been completely consumed by thoughts from the last 24 hours, trying to make sense of it all.

_Ali's hand on my arm with her darkened eyes burning into mine. My hands sweeping down to hold her thighs. Ali saying "I want you" with an unmistakable hunger. Ali's hand cupping my breast, pinching my nipples. The look in Ali's eyes when I slipped my fingers into her. Ali crying out my name as she came undone in my hands. The look of panic in Ali's eyes when she ran out of her room this morning._

What the hell happened?! "Hey dude, did you get lucky last night?" Tobin grabs me and winks at me. I tremble and hope she doesn't notice, "well, I.. Uh.." And Tobin laughs, "oh yeah, you totally got laid last night", waggling her eyes. She suddenly realizes how quiet I'm being, "hey, wait, are you ok?" I shake my head, not knowing the answer to that simple, yet profound question. I yank her along and take her into our room, sitting down heavily on my bed.

"I don't know what happened" I say sadly, looking to my best friend, waiting for her to explain everything and make it all better. "Well.. Ok, not much to go on here dude..." is her wise reply, causing me to laugh without any humor. "I slept with her" I state baldly, shrugging to convey my complete confusion, but also to hide the hurt of what happened this morning. Tobin senses there's a lot more to it, "so, you slept with that brunette from the Lions team? Was it really bad or something?" She tries to inject some humor to lighten things up. "No, dammit - It was amazing!" and my voices fades down to a whisper, "it was perfect." She grimaces, "well what the fuck dude? If it was great and all - what's the problem?!" 

Tobin jumps up, startled, when she sees tears falling down my cheeks. "Oh shit.. Ash, tell me what happened" she looks at me sheepishly. I grunt in shame at my tears and rub my neck. "See, that's what I don't understand!" I basically yell to Tobs. My voice is more quite, "Everything was.. It was.. She... She ran out on me" and I feel my heart being torn out of my throat admitting it. Tobin grabs me and gives me a bear hug, "oh fuck, Ash, I'm so sorry!" She pauses and then adds, her wisdom shining through, "Ash, do you think... maybe she's never done this before - that she's never slept with a girl before?" And as she looks up at me questioningly, it finally hits me. Oh my god, that was it! All the doubts and fears, all her stumbling and blushing... She never slept with a girl before. It was so obvious now, so damned obvious. And I, well I am a complete and utter idiot for not recognizing it, for thinking she was just playing hard to get or something. And then, the confusion floods back, as I wonder, "so are you saying she's straight? Or that she just regrets sleeping with me? Or what?" Tobin looks at me with regret and says the last thing I want to hear, "Ash... I don't know." 

Ali's POV

I'm back on my feet, pacing the floor again, shaking my head fiercely. "No. No... It was... I was just... drunk." I look over to Amy, practically begging her to agree with me. Instead she rolls her eyes, sighs and gets up to walk over and grab me by the shoulders. "Ali. It. Is. Ok. You don't have to lie to me. You know that, right? You never have to lie to me," and she gives me a gentle smile. My shoulders are rigid, words of heated denial ready to fly from my lips, but her words stop me. "Ali. I know this must be scary. I can't imagine how scary and confusing this must be for you. But, no matter what, it is ok. Whatever you're feeling, whoever you're attracted to - it's ok! Damn girl, don't you remember that your beloved brother is gay?! And you still love him, right? You don't think he's fucked up or evil or some crazy shit like that, right?" And I feel my shoulders sag, all the fight draining from me. "Ali, you don't have to label yourself, ok? You don't have anything to be ashamed of or scared about. REALLY. And you know that, deep down. You are the same girl I've always known. Just now, maybe you're finding out that you had feelings you never wanted to admit to before, or maybe just didn't recognize. So, chill the fuck out. Breathe. And don't beat yourself up for suddenly finding out there's more to you than being Ali, the good little girl. Maybe now you can learn to be Ali - just Ali, instead of the Ali you think everyone expects out of you! Maybe now you can start to let yourself just be.. You." Her words are strong, slightly admonishing, yet filled with such kindness, her eyes shining with tears. I sweep her into my arms for a long hug, still shaking, but somehow knowing that I might not be losing it, that maybe I'll be ok after all. Hearing the one person who's known me since I was six years old lay things out so logically and plainly rings through me. "I'm so lucky to have you as my best friend" I whisper to her, as she laughs in agreement.


	7. Taking a hard look

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And the soul-searching begins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was tough to write, I'll admit.

Ashlyn's POV

Our bus pulls away from the hotel, and I glance out the window blankly, not really seeing anything. Tobin bumps her shoulder into mine and gives me a gentle pat on the arm. I smile tightly back and put in my earbuds, closing my eyes. It's not like I'll ever see her again, I try to tell myself. It's not like we could have any kind of relationship, even if Ali wanted to - hah, even if **_I_** wanted to. I mean, we're at two different Universities, two different towns... two different lives, I think darkly. What the hell was wrong with me, anyway? I've never thought of hooking up with a girl more than once, instead finding it so easy and free to just hit it and quit it. No one ever gets hurt and it's all in good fun, really. 

I mentally shake myself. Why am I even still thinking about this girl? Sure, she took off this morning, basically running away from me, but _so what_ , right? She just had some weird panic attack about hooking up with a girl, or having a one night stand or something. She sure as _hell_ had a good time when she hadn't been overthinking things. You don't beg someone for more if you're not into it; you don't kiss someone like that if you don't mean it. I mentally groan, fighting back the memories of how she had felt, how she had sounded, how her body moved so perfectly against mine.

I feel myself getting angry at her taking off on me, for her freaking out. I remember that look she got last night when she said she wanted me. My anger softens as I remember her look of confusion last night, her look of panic this morning. I realize I'm being selfish, completely self-absorbed with all my ranting. I flash back to the first time I ever kissed a girl in high school, remembering the overwhelming terror I had felt. I may have dreamed of kissing a girl for like ages before that moment, I may have had a million fantasies about it, but actually doing it, actually kissing a girl had scared the hell out of me. I remember avoiding the girl for weeks afterward, intentionally forcing myself to look at boys, trying to make myself feel _anything_ for a boy. I remember my sense of dread that everyone knew what I'd done, feeling like my whole world was closing in, feeling like I was crazy or messed up for liking girls. I had acted, well, crazy might be the best description. And I had already known that I liked girls, I had know for years that I liked girls - and I had still panicked, I had still run from it, I had still felt like I would go to hell for it, I had still denied it for months afterward.

Shit, no wonder she freaked out! I mean, what if she'd never done _anything_ with a girl before last night - what if she'd never even kissed a girl before?! My breath catches, my heart hurting for what she must have felt. Knowing how badly I had reacted to simply kissing a girl, to JUST kissing a girl.. Holy fucking shit, the feeling of shame floods through me. I had been judging her by my own expectations, damning her with them. And this whole time, I had never really let myself think about how **_she_** might have felt. 

I flash back to last night, remembering the surprise and shock in her eyes when I told her I was gay. Now, without my own lust clouding the moment, I realize that she _had_ been shocked. I remember her blushing the deepest red after I told her, and I recognize that such a thought - of being gay, of being attracted to a girl - had never crossed her mind, consciously at least. I remember the look she had after I pulled back from kissing her the first time. Again, she had a look of shock and confusion, unmistakable now that I look back at it. And I know, more surely that anything I'd ever known before, that I had been her first - _her first girl_. Oh my fucking god, I had been her first time with a girl. Tobin may have alluded to it, hell, she'd suggested it outright. But until this moment, I had not truly considered it, had not truly realized the truth of it. I opened my eyes and let the sun tear into me. No wonder she had run...

Ali's POV

My bed feels like an alien creature as I'm lying on it, staring at the ceiling. Amy had left a bit ago, maybe hours ago - I wasn't sure and didn't let my mind dwell on it. My hands run across the bedsheets as my mind wanders. Try as I might, I can't stop thoughts of last night and this morning from flickering through my mind. Why did I panic when Ashlyn had told me she was gay? Even thinking of it now makes me flush with a strange feeling of exhilaration as well as sadness. Her eyes had been the strangest combination of calm mixed with fear as she'd said it to me. I think she must've thought I'd hate her because of it, and it hurts to realize that. But her look had also conveyed a simple confidence, a sense of peace that made me oddly jealous. I think in that moment I saw something that I had been lacking, without ever realizing it before. I think I saw that sense of peace and I recognized that I didn't have it myself. I think that may have been part of the reason it had frightened me, saddened me. I realized that I was lost, that I had been lost for years, maybe forever. 

My hands wring the sheets as my fists tighten and pull on them. So how the hell does someone find that sense of peace, I wonder furiously? My entire life, I've been a fighter, dedicated and hardworking at school and soccer, a loyal friend, the good girl my parents and friends expected of me. I've been every damn thing everyone asked me to be! Why the hell wasn't that enough, why didn't that give me that sense of peace? I roll to my side and slam my fist against the bed. So what was missing? I worked hard in school, I worked my ass off in soccer, I was a damned good friend. My parents constantly told me how proud they were of me, that I'd grown up to be such a nice girl. 

**_Such a nice girl_** , I cringe as I think it. A feeling of dread, despair and anger tighten my stomach as that phrase resounds - such a nice girl. And I realize, deep down, how much I truly hate that phrase. I mean, what did it mean anyway? It meant being polite, which I didn't mind. It meant being honest, which I loved about myself. It meant being loyal, which I prided myself on. And, it meant being what others _expected_ of me - and that's where I felt the anger and despair. Why the hell should I have to be what others want me to be? Why couldn't I be who **_I_** wanted to be? And then it dawns on me - I **_don't_** have to be what others want me to be, that somehow I'd just gone along with the notion without even realizing it. My fist unclenches and I roll to lie on my back again, suddenly feeling that my ceiling might have answers and wisdom that I've been blind to until now. 

So, what the hell do I want to be? I pause and suck in my breath at the question. Who do I want to be? I don't know: I want to be honest - check, I've got that one. I want to be loyal - check, got that too. I want to be an elite soccer player - check, well, that's in progress. I want... I want to be loved - check, got that as well. Then, I falter. But do I really have that - do I really have love? Sure, my parents and my brother love me, I know that without reservation or hesitation. My friends, yeah, I've a couple friends who I feel sure love me - especially Amy. But what about me? What about having someone to spend the rest of my life with, to be in love with, someone who's in love with me too? I don't have that. I've never had that. And, I have to be honest, I want it - I want the fairy tale, I want the happily ever after. 

I feel myself shying away from the thought of it, of happily ever after. I find myself scoffing at the idea. I mean, really, it's just a fairy tale. Nobody ever really gets that, do they? I thought my parents had it, but then they got divorced and my fairy tale childhood had ended. I try to think back to my earlier years, when I still believed in happy ever after. I was supposed to meet a nice, handsome boy, who makes my heart skip. He saves me from my lonely, boring life and marries me. We have lots of kids and... well, happily ever after, right? There's not much to the fairy tale, when you get down to it. But that's how it always read, that's what all the damned Disney and romance movies were about, that's what they showed you in the magazines, that's what all the moms and girls talked about.

So what part of that didn't I believe in, what part of that just didn't make sense? I want to be with someone that makes my heart skip - who didn't? I want to share my life with someone who I'm madly in love with, that I cannot stop thinking about, and even, I shyly admit to myself, someone that I want to have sex with. 

I force myself to look deeper, to not shy away from the one piece of the happily ever after puzzle that doesn't seem to fit, that had never quite fit. Had I ever felt like a boy would be my happily ever after? I don't know - as I wrack my brain, I can find no such instance, not even in a dream of fantasy. Had I ever felt like I needed to be "rescued" by a boy? Umm, a definite No to that - I can rescue my own damn self! Had I ever felt my heart skip because of a boy? I search carefully. I never have. I've never felt my heart skip because of a boy. Shit! So, have I ever felt attracted to a boy? I feel a sense of dread creeping inside of me. Attraction?! I don't know - I mean, I've felt that some boys were cute or handsome or whatever, just like you're shown in the movies and magazines. But attracted to, as in thinking about or wanting to have sex with them... No - I never had. The thought of having sex with a boy had always actually left me feeling nauseated and grossed out. I still shudder at the disgusting anatomy pictures my friends giggled over, naked men, their ugly, jutting penises... Yuck! How could anyone be excited or find _that_ attractive?! 

Ok, maybe I need to look at it from a different angle. Has there ever been anyone who DID make my heart skip? I feel a deep flush rush to my face... Only once, only one person. Her blond hair and dimpled smile flash in my mind. Her kind eyes that darken and make my knees weak, even now, by simply thinking about her - Ashlyn. Ashlyn made my heart skip. Ashlyn made me feel alive with a simple kiss, made me feel like I'd died and gone to heaven. Then I stop for a moment. It wasn't just once. It was many times. Every time I was near her my heart had skipped. Every time her eyes looked into mine, every time she touched me, every time I had touched her. Every single time. _Every single time_. I swallowed roughly.


	8. One step forward, two steps back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Ali have the courage to acknowledge her feelings - or was this just a once in a lifetime fling?
> 
> Will Ashlyn take a deeper look at her carefree love 'em and leave 'em life? Was Ali just another girl - or was she something more?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another tough one to write. This self-reflection and torment stuff is hard to write. 
> 
> I hope you can hang on as Ali and Ash muddle their way through self discovery.
> 
> There is light at the end of the tunnel, and just a little more development needed before the storyline can pick up again. 
> 
> Comments and Suggestions always welcomed.

Ashlyn's POV

I find myself nodding off in my Mass Communications class. I roll my neck and glance around, trying to shake myself out of my morning stupor, dearly wishing that I'd had time to grab a coffee on my way to class. I catch a glance and a blushing smile from the girl two seats over and one row down to my right and realize that she's flirting with me again. Ok, to be honest, I'd been flirting with her since I'd seen her the first day in classes. I wrack my brain trying to remember her name - Joanne.. or something. I give her a weak smile back reflexively. 

Finally! Class is over and everyone is shuffling and bustling to get out. I'm slow to my feet, still exhausted after basically no sleep the night before. A light 'ahem makes me look up to find Joanne standing beside my desk. She has a nice smile and, well, I notice again how pretty she is. She decides to take the initiative, "so, I was wondering if you'd want to get a coffee? Maybe I can give you my notes from today's class, since I think you slept through it." She has a girly laugh, a bit much for my taste, but I really do need a coffee. I shrug and put on my best charm, saying, "that sounds nice, let's go."

She chatters on nervously as we walk to the coffee shop the block down. I nod my head and smile encouragingly at all the right places, but really kinda wish she'd shut up as a headache starts to grow. Her cup of double mocha latte swishes over as she drops it carelessly on our table, some of the whipped cream dribbling down the side. She grabs the cup and traces her tongue to lick the side of her cup clean and looks up to make sure I'm watching. I hold back a sigh at her blatant flirting, oddly finding it a bit crude. I don't know why she's aggravating me so much. She's cute, maybe even hot in that I'm a cheerleader kinda way, but I'm just not feeling it. I realize that I need to nip this in the bud before she thinks anything is going to happen. 

"Hey, Joanne..?" I start and she giggles at me. "No, silly, my name is Jenny." I start again, "Jenny, I'm really sorry, but I just remembered that I have to meet up with my professor before my next class." I see her disappointment and cut her off before she makes this more awkward. "I really appreciate the coffee, but I've... kinda got a girlfriend... So, well, I'll see you around." I jump up, throwing a couple bucks on the table, and head out before she can stop me. Yikes, not my smoothest moment, I have to admit, but it was just getting weird, and I am relieved to make an escape. 

As I head out to the campus, I decide to grab a bench so I can imbibe some much needed coffee. That whole thing with Joanna - shit, Jenny that is - was just weird. Yeah, there have been times when I actually started talking to a girl after flirting with her and came quickly to realize that the chemistry or personality just wasn't clicking. But, I'm not sure if that's what really just happened. I mean she was definitely my type - brunette and pretty. She had a nice personality, if not being a bit too perky for this early in the morning. She was probably straight but definitely curious, always fun to work with. And she had been flirting back with me. Usually, all that is enough for me to make a nice little conquest of. I couldn't quite pinpoint why she had annoyed me, why I couldn't get into the whole flirting game with her, why I had passed indifferently on the whole scenario. Just.. Weird.

Ali's POV

My alarm is screaming at me and I nearly throw my phone across the room trying to shut it off. I grumble and pull myself up into a precarious sitting position. Shit, I don't feel like I slept a wink last night. As I yawn, I feel a sense of relief that I can't remember my dreams from last night. I'm still feeling out of sorts after the last couple of days, and strangely more so from my 'heart to heart' with myself last night. Part of me knows that I need to deal with all of this but another part of me just wants to pretend that nothing happened. 

I get to morning practice five minutes late and coach gives me a disappointed glance as I get into the stretching routine. Amy smiles and sidles over to stretch next to me. "So... How'd you do last night?" She asks me quietly. I mutter noncommittally. She slaps my shoulder and gives me a consoling look. Thankfully practice keeps us from having the chance to really talk, and I find myself thinking I may have escaped from having to answer Amy's question. However, she grabs my arm as I walk out of the locker room and we start a slow walk back to our apartment.

I can feel her staring at me, impatiently waiting for me to talk. I sigh out my frustration and shrug my shoulders, giving in to the inevitability of talking to her. "I don't know, really" and her grunt of annoyance helps push me to continue. "I spent a few hours.. Well, I think I started to take a hard look at so many things that I.. I don't know - things that I've never really thought about before." I can feel my own frustration at trying to explain what still seems like a big, foggy hot mess. Her hand lightly touches my arm, "like what things?" 

Shit! Why is it so hard to articulate this, why am I so scared to talk to my own best friend? I kick at rocks dejectedly, vying for time. "Just like... How I seem to have gone through my entire life so far and never really questioned... Like anything!" 

We arrive home and she pushes me to the couch, plopping down next to me. "Let me hurry this along to the point. Do you mean about liking girls?" Her bluntness startles me and I feel a blush rising. I start to shake my head, but she puts her hands on mine and makes me look at her. "Ali, cmon, please tell me you are not still in denial about liking girls?" She holds me down, keeping me from jumping off the couch. "Dammit! I don't know!" Her look makes me pause and calm down. "I just.. I mean.. I never... Fuck! I never thought about it before all this. I mean, you know me - I'm really shy, I haven't dated a lot. I think I just thought - I don't know. I guess I thought that I'd never met _the right guy_."

Amy chuckles at my dramatic air quotes. "Ok, yeah, I can sorta see how you might think that. But do you really _not_ realize how you're always looking at girls? We're walking along or at the club and every cute boy walks by and you don't notice. At. All. But when some pretty girl is around, you get all nervous, you stare until you get caught and then act like nothing's going on. Oh, and the most amazing part is when the girl comes up to you, after you've done ten minutes of your eye flirting, and suddenly you act like 'what's this girl taking to me for?' - I mean, _seriously_?!" I find myself staring at my best friend in total shock. "I do _not_ do that!" I exclaim weakly. But part of me, the part that is flushing furiously, starts to realize and remember situations eerily similar to what she's just said. 

"Oh, my dear and quite blind Ali", she pats my hand and shakes her head ruefully, "you never cease to amaze me. Do you really not know you do that?!" And this time, I can tell she worries that maybe I don't, that perhaps my power of denial could be insurmountable. I pull my hands from hers and look at the floor, then back up to her. "I guess I never realized that I was doing that - that I do do that. But... When you make me think about it.. I realize that you're right, that is what I do, that is what I've been doing for... well maybe as long as forever. And, I did, last night, kind of realize that I've never really looked at boys and.. well, I've never like _wanted_ them.. You know?" She gives me an understanding look and nods her head in relief.

"So, does everybody see this about me? Does _everyone_ see me checking out girls and like think that I'm.. That I'm.. gay or something and that I'm somehow just clueless about it?" Amy shakes her head no quickly, trying to stop my rising panic, "No, Ali. Really. I don't think anyone - aside from the girls you eye flirt with" and she laughs and winks at me, trying to keep my panic down, "notice anything at all. I think I notice cause you're my best friend. And well maybe it took me a while to figure out why all your dates and setups never seemed to go anywhere, why you seemed so totally uninterested in even the nicest and cutest boys." I finally jump up and start to pace the living room. 

"Shit, so does this mean that I'm.." and now I find myself having trouble saying the word, "That I'm.. Gay?!" I finally manage to say. Amy's eyes go wide for a moment, I think equal parts impressed that I'm able to say it out loud and surprised that I'm able to even contemplate it. "Hell, Ali, I don't know. I told you, you shouldn't feel the need to label this, what you're feeling, who you're attracted to. I mean, someday, just for yourself you may want to label it. But for other people, it's not their fucking business. I guess.. The important thing is probably that you realize that you do have these feelings, that you are attracted to girls. I mean, how can you possibly find happiness or true love if you don't even realize or admit who you're really attracted to? Maybe someday you'll be attracted to a boy - I don't know! It's not like we actually _choose_ who were attracted to, you know? In the end, I think we just have to be honest and true to our heart, and love who we love." I find myself in sudden awe at my friend, "when the hell did you get so wise and so completely awesome?" I can't help but ask her. Her humble shrug, "well... I guess I'm just lucky that way" and she smiles ironically. I'm hugging her before either of us realize it.

Ashlyn's POV

Two weeks later

"Ash, we totally need to do something tonight, get drunk, have fun, get laid..." And Tobs leers over at me from her bed. I have to laugh at her look, cause, for all her laid back vibe, she is ridiculously shy around the ladies. "Yeah sure, Tobs, we _totally_ need to get you laid tonight" and I wink at her, making her blush and back down from her former confidence. She stutters and I take pity on her. "Yeah, ok, it has been too long since we let loose. Sure. Let's hit a party or a club or something." I'm happy to see her smile grow, knowing that I've been acting a bit off lately. 

Tobin decides on a local club known for having a high proportion of cute lesbians. As we walk in, I find myself strangely less enthusiastic than I normally am hitting this kind of 'opportunity ripe venue', as I've often thought of these places in the past. I figure I just need a couple drinks to get myself out of my weird funk, so quickly down a few shots with my Tobs. I sense Tobin stiffen next to me and I follow her glance to a pretty, light brown haired girl, who's looking at Tobin with a more than friendly look. I nudge her gently, "she's checking you out Tobs. You need to go ask her to dance - now" and I shove her towards the girl before she loses her nerve. I chuckle to myself as I watch Tobs shyly grab the girl's hand and lead her to the dance floor. I congratulate myself on being an awesome wingman, noting how the girl wraps her arms around Tobin's neck and presses into my friend. Ah, young love, I think to myself. Damn, I'm glad no one realizes that I do have a romantic side, I laugh internally.

I feel a hand brushing my arm and I look to see a very hot, dark haired brunette with sky blue eyes smiling up at me. She looks at me expectantly, waiting for me to make the first real move. I gallantly take her arm and lead her to the dance floor, lightly grabbing her hips and pulling her against me. She really knows how to dance, and begins to immediately tease me by grinding up on me then pulling back and acting like nothing happened. I find myself amused as she continues her moves. As a slower song starts, her arms reach around my neck and she pulls me in so her lips are just a breath from mine. I automatically pull her against me and give her a light kiss, letting her set the pace. She sighs and flicks her tongue against my lips and I open mine to let her enter. I can tell she's really getting worked up, as her hands tug hard against my neck and her tongue darts in and out of my mouth suggestively. However, to both of our surprise, I feel myself pushing her away from me. Her startled "what?" coincides with me dropping my hands from her waist and I can see her confusion. 

"Um, look. I'm really sorry. But, I'm just.. Uh. I'm not up for this tonight. I'm really sorry.." Her look of shock is priceless, as she's probably never heard anyone turn her down before. She huffs and, with a snarled whatever, turns and stomps over to the bar. I shake my head in confusion, wondering what the hell I just did. She was hot. I mean, damn, she was fucking hot, she had been a damned good kisser. But... I really had felt... Nothing. Not an iota of desire, not a tingle of lust once I touched her. What the fuck was wrong with me?!

Tobs is back at our table with a ridiculous wide grin on her face. "So...?" I wink at her, wondering how she thinks it went with her girl. Her smile gets impossibly bigger and I can tell she's blushing as she rambles "well, so I took her to dance, and she was so nice. And then, after our first dance, she kissed me and gave me her phone number. She had to run cause her ride was leaving, but she said to text her tomorrow!" She is positively giddy at this point and I force myself not to laugh at her. I throw my arm around her shoulders and hug her, "awesome. Let's get outta here while the night is still perfect then." The entire drive back to our apartment, she alternates between random muttering and telling me how amazing this Kelly girl was. I let her ramble, just happy that my best friend had a good time and met a nice girl for once.

"Hey! So what happened with you and that girl you were dancing with? I seem to remember seeing you guys making out." Tobs surprises me as I'm changing into my night clothes. "Hah, how'd you even notice, considering how you were busy doing the same with your girl?! But really.. I don't know. I guess she wasn't my type." I pull the covers up and turn to face the wall. "Are you freaking kidding me? She was totally your type. What the hell are you talking about? Hey, look at me!" And I obligingly turn to face her. "What is going on with you lately? You haven't been the same since we came back from the Penn State game. Are you still upset about losing the game or something?" I stare past her, "No, I'm over that" and hope that she'll just let this go, let us go to sleep. No such luck. "Ohhh, hey. It's that girl, isn't it? The girl from Penn State - what's her name, Ali? You're still upset about how things went with her, aren't you. Hmm... Ok" and I can hear her mind whirring, her deep insight turning on lightbulbs. "So are you upset because she ran out on you? Uh, No, I can't see that. You're pretty confident of yourself, so that just can't be it. Wait... Wait. Holy shit! She really got to you, didn't she. Oh my gosh Ash. You really liked her, didn't you?"

I turn to look at Tobin as if she's just claimed the moon is made of cheese. "Oh for fucks sake Tobs! When have I _ever_ let a girl get to me? And, anyway, I only knew her for like a minute or something." I try to put as much disdain and confidence as I can in my reply, but it sounds flat even to my ears. "Holy fucking shit! She _did_ get to you - you do like her! I've never heard you sound this defensive about anyone, ever. That morning, when you got back... How did I not notice this before? You were upset. And now I realize that you were _hurt_ , you were really hurt. Oh Ash. I'm sorry. I think you were hurt cause you really _like_ this girl." I sit up and snap at her, "this is ludicrous! She didn't mean anything to me, ok? This has nothing to do with her. Maybe I'm still upset about the game. Maybe my homework is getting to me. I don't know. But, I can guarantee you that it has nothing to do with Ali. So goodnight. I'm going to sleep." I flip over to face the wall, more furious than I've been in a long time. Sometimes Tobin has no fucking idea what she's talking about! 

Ali's POV

Two weeks later

I've started to notice how hard the simple things have become, like walking to class, or staying focused at practice. I feel myself constantly on guard, afraid that everyone is watching me, watching my every movement, every glance I take. I know I'm being ridiculous but I really can't shake the feeling. 

Walking into my Business Communications class earlier today, I had noticed this really pretty strawberry blond girl. Her hair was cut short, almost like a boy's haircut, but I remember thinking that it looked really good on her. She had an indescribable confidence in the way way she held herself, sitting next to me. I didn't realize I'd been staring at her until the professor had walked up to me and called out my name, making me tear my eyes away from her fascinating profile. I'd nearly jumped out of my seat at being called upon, mainly because I was sure everyone in class knew that I'd been staring at the girl. I muttered a quick sorry to the professor and started typing furious notes into my laptop and thankfully the professor lost interest and went back to his lecture. Walking out of the class, I could feel the girl looking at me, trying to catch my eyes. I however panicked and took off at a quick jog, heading to my next class. Oh my god, that girl _knew_ I'd been staring at her. In fact, I'm pretty sure my entire class knew I was checking her out (oh my god I had been checking her out!). Hell, I think even my dim professor had figured it out. How could I ever walk back into that class? How could I ever face those people again? I kept my head down my entire jog to my next class, unable to shake feeling completely humiliated and terribly exposed.

Eating dinner silently that night, ignoring my roommates constant chatter and bickering, I felt like I was lost in the fog again. How could I possibly survive when I was terrified that everyone was watching me? 

I ran quickly to my room after dinner, shutting the door firmly behind me, when Amy shoves the door open, closes it and then looks at me expectantly. "Alright, what's going on Ali?" I sit down on the bed, "everyone knows" I gasp miserably. She sits down beside me and gives me a hug. "Sweetie, what does everyone know?" She asks me gently. I tell her what happened in class earlier and I can tell she's trying not to laugh. "It's not funny!" I whine at her and hit the bed with my fist. "Ali. Ok, first, the chances are like zero that any of your classmates knew you were staring at this girl. You forget how wrapped up everyone is with themselves." I grudgingly admit to myself that she's probably right about that. "Second, I've had professor dimwit before, and you absolutely know that he has no clue - he even forgets what he's talking about in the middle of his own lectures. And finally. Maybe this girl noticed you looking at her, staring at her, or whatever. Sounds like she did notice and maybe she was into it if she tried to talk to you after class. Now calm down. That's not necessarily a bad thing, you know. It kinda sounds like you were maybe checking her out, or at least thought she was attractive. Don't interrupt me! There's nothing wrong with noticing someone or checking them out, everyone does it. So, maybe this is a great opportunity for you to... explore your feelings a little. Maybe you can ask her to coffee or something." I know she wants to say more, but she stops and gets up. I look at her in exasperation and trepidation. She knows how lost I feel, I can see it. But, I think she also knows that I need to think about this on my own at this point. She walks silently out of my room, leaving me with the ringing of my overactive mind. 

Ask a girl out for coffee. Why does that idea fill me with abject terror? I know it's not simply because I'm shy. I think, if I'm honest with myself, that it scares me because it's a girl, because I'd be asking a girl out. That by doing so, I'd be stepping over a line I've never noticed before - a line that just happens to be at the edge of a cliff. Shit! I know I'm never going to get to sleep now as I flop dramatically on my back. The cliff metaphor is ringing in my head, and I can feel my heart racing. There is a tiny part of me, a very scared and little known part of me, that really wants me to ask this girl out, to take this leap from the heights. And there's this other part of me, a large part of me, the one I've been smothered in my entire life, that urges me to walk away from this cliff, fearing the unknown that the metaphorical cliff represents. I must've fallen asleep at some point, for I wake in the middle of the night from a nightmare about falling off a cliff. Wow that's some coincidence, I think darkly.


	9. The meandering path

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali's dreams try to clarify things for her.
> 
> Ashlyn let's herself be distracted by Tobin's new love interest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are very welcome!

Ali's POV

Two weeks later

_Her lips trail from my jaw down to the sensitive spot at the base of my neck, sucking gently against my racing pulse, sending heat and excited frustration shooting to every sensitive spot. I cry out shakily as her soft breasts and hard nipples slide and press against my own and I hear her hiss as I twist and arch into her to increase the contact. My arms pull her more firmly against me as I pulse my chest against her, reveling in the nearly unbearable sensations it creates. We continue this intoxicating dance, breast against breast, grinding and pressing urgently, and I know that I am completely lost in her, in the feeling of her. How can every single touch set me on fire? All I can think is that I desperately need to be **closer** to her, to melt into her completely. _

_Her hands sketch down to my hips, burning though me. I throw my leg between hers and begin grinding up on her strong thigh as I watch her eyes grow darker. I can feel a beautiful elation as I realize that I'm doing this to her, I'm lighting a fire in her. I feel a sense of power that I've never felt before. I keep my eyes locked on hers, wanting to see every emotion and reaction. I continue to grind and thrust into her, loving the flare in her eyes when my core presses into her, spurring me on to continue, to go faster, to grind harder. She's moaning now and her eyes are pleading with me and I can't help but smile._

_Her hands slow my hips, and she sees my surprise and frustration and just smiles. She moves her hand deliberately down from my hip, her eyes never leaving mine, stealing over my thigh and then, feeling my breath still in anticipation, skims her hand against my core as I moan into her. I feel the wet flood between my legs and a terrible ache as my core throbs in burning need. Her eyes flare as she also notices and hums in satisfaction, lazily trailing her fingers through my wet folds. I cannot contain my desperate need another moment and hoarse words tear from my throat, "Ashlyn... Please!" - and I startle awake._

Fuck!!! Fuck, fuck, fuck I cry out in frustration, angry that I'm awake, my body shaking in anticipation and unfilled desire. I struggle to slow my breathing and my hands run up from my hips, which feel too warm, to my chest, where my nipples ache and throb, just as my core does. I've been waking up nearly every morning like this and it is really starting to get to me, to infuriate me. I seem to walk through my days hyper sensitive, slightly on edge, in a state of semi-frustration. I'm beginning to realize it's because I often wake up before my dreams end, before I'm able to find my release. I am also beginning to think it's because, up until recently, I'd never really felt _any_ physical desire, any need for sexual release. 

My mind flashes back to the dream, so similar to all the dreams I've been having lately. I'm in bed with someone on top of me, someone who fits perfectly against me, someone with a heady mix of smooth and satin skin, someone who knows exactly how to touch me, someone who is focused completely on driving me crazy with desire, someone that I desperately want to touch and give pleasure to. That the person in these dreams is always a woman had been hard to deal with at first. However, as the dreams continued unabated, I find that every single dream is nearly identical - with a beautiful blond woman with dark hazel eyes, wide shoulders and athletic build. And, those few times I let myself dwell on the dreams, I feel a swift heat and desire that shocks me with its intensity.

I'd spent so many years not really feeling anything, nothing physical - nothing like lust or desire. Going on dates, kissing or making out had never excited me, never set my body on fire or made me want to feel or do more. I'd kind of come to the conclusion that I just wasn't very sexual. Maybe it was that lack of desire or attraction, but I'd never really even bothered to explore myself, never touched myself - I'd never.. Masturbated. I shuddered in shame at the thought of it, having always thought only perverts and sex addicts did that. Now, with these dreams, after having had my first orgasm ever, after my night with Ashlyn, I can't seem to stop thinking about sex. It was both exhilarating and frustrating and I was beginning to wonder how I would survive feeling like this, constantly aching for someone's touch, wanting so badly to feel again how Ashly had made me feel. 

It did kind of surprise me that I wasn't getting hung up on the fact that I was dreaming of having sex with a girl. Maybe because it happened over and over in my dreams, reliving that unbelievable pleasure that Ashlyn had awakened in me. As the dreams continued, I finally had to admit to myself that women's bodies _were_ beautiful, that I did find them incredibly attractive - so much more so than men's angular and sharp, jarring lines that left me feeling empty. Women were like a beautiful rolling landscape, gently curving valleys and hollows, mysterious lines that made me want to trace them with my hands, to sculpt and memorize every curve. It made me hot and shaky just thinking of doing that, of letting my hands wander and trace every line and curve, to caress and hold her warm, firm breast in my hands, the swell of her hips, to feel the heat and sweat of her body as I touched her everywhere, a quaking desire to touch her in her center - to feel her desire in all its raw power. 

Now, every day, I had a hard time tearing my eyes from a beautiful girls face, from not noticing the gentle yet intoxicating sway of a woman's hips, to not stare at the way a girl's shirt hugged the curve of her breasts, to not become enthralled at a girls expressive fingers. How had I never let myself notice women before?! The blinders that society's normative expectations had suffocated me with, all thorough my life, were swiftly being lifted away. And I felt like I was seeing and feeling for the first time in my life. It was intoxicating. 

Ashlyn's POV

For the past several weeks I have enjoyed watching Tobin get more and more wrapped up with Kelly, the girl she'd met at the club. She, who used to barely touch her cellphone, now had it firmly attached to her hands at all times. I loved seeing her smile every time a new text message came in, how she would furiously type a quick reply, then pause and reread it again and again before finally sending. It was actually quite adorable. Focusing on Tobin has also had the added advantage of distracting her from bringing up Ali again, a topic which I couldn't manage to think about without an unsettling dread.

"So, Ash, what do you think it means when she says she had a good time hanging out last night?" Tobs asks me innocently. I try not to roll my eyes, having to hear and interpret nearly everything that Kelly has texted to her, no matter how straightforward the text seems to me. "Um, I dunno. What'd you guys do last night?" I stall for time, not wanting to point out that it probably just means exactly what the text says. I do understand her desire to read into everything, knowing she almost never dates and probably thinks that everything they say to each other must be loaded with deep and hidden meaning. "Well, we just kinda hung out in her room and watched a movie." She looks up to me, eyes filled with confusion and the need for clarification. "And that's all?" I ask in surprise.

Tobs shrugs and begins to blush, and I hold back my smile, waiting for her to spill the details. "Well, I guess she kinda sat against me, leaning on me when the movie started. I was kinda afraid to move. I mean, it felt really good, and even though my arm fell asleep, I just wanted to stay like that... And you know, never move." I sigh in amazement at the purity and sweetness of their relationship so far. I wonder what it'd be like, what it would feel like to do that with a girl, to just lean against her, to enjoy the simplicity of that. I shake off that odd thought and refocus on Tobs lost and wondering look. "Hmm, well, I think it sounds like she really liked it too, that she liked leaning against you, cuddling with you. I think it sounds like she really likes you." I conclude, watching her smile and nod her head. 

An hour later

After yet another bout of giggles from Tobin and Kelly, as they cuddle on her bed, I decide to slip out of the room to study in the lounge, knowing I'll never get anything done with their incessant and adorable antics. "Hey, where are you going?" Tobs asks as I'm grabbing the door handle. "Oh, just thought I'd run to the lounge to get some studying done. Maybe give you guys some privacy," I say with a wink. Tobs blushes furiously and Kelly just smiles big and says "thanks." I chuckle as I see Tobin's blush deepen, and I sincerely hope they take this to another level before I have to draw them pictures and a map, as the tension between them is getting ridiculous. I mentally note not to return for at least two hours and again pat myself on the back for being the best friend ever at having pushed Tobs into dancing with Kelly at the club. They really do have a painfully sweet relationship. I find myself noticing it every time they're hanging out in our room, and I've started to notice a slight jealously welling up in me, which I don't entirely understand.


	10. The road less travelled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Ali push herself to take a step into a brave new world? 
> 
> Is Ashlyn ready to take a hard look at herself?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've always loved Robert Frost's 'The road not taken'. It was a poem that helped me in my own teenage struggles with my sexuality. 
> 
> Comments welcome.

Ali's POV

A week later

I slip quietly into my seat in Business Communications, as I have every day for the last several weeks. I had been relieved that Amy was right, that the other students had not seemed to notice the incident that I couldn't completely get out of my head. No one had given me a second glance, no snickers or knowing looks. Well, except for the strawberry blond, that is. The first class after 'the incident', she had tried to catch my glance before and after class. And I, unable to control my fear, had pointedly acted oblivious. 

By this time though, after several weeks, I'm starting to fear that the moment has passed, that I've let it go unacknowledged for too long. I, however, have to give the strawberry blond some credit for her tenacity, since she continues to sit adjacent to me and gives me that glance before and after every session. 

Today, I'm feeling full of a courage I've never felt before. I plan to talk to her after class, ask her to get coffee, face my fear. I don't know exactly how I've come to this point, since I've miraculously avoided thinking about it on every occasion that it's popped in my head - which is often. Now that I feel my resolve kicking in, that means, of course, that I'm unable to pay attention to a single moment of today's lecture. It also means that I'm acutely aware of her sitting next to me. And, it means that class seems to defy all laws of physics and takes _forever_ to end.

The rustle of paper, desks, and people flooding out of the lecture hall brings me back sharply to reality. I notice that, once again, the beautiful strawberry blond has hung back from the others and that we are suddenly alone. I take a deep breath, and without letting myself think further, I look over to her. Her quick smile fills me with renewed determination. "Um.." - Shit! I've already lost my ability to speak and I feel a tingle of panic start to rise to my throat. She smiles at me and, graciously sensing my fumbling, begins to talk. "Hi, I'm Jessica. Um, Jess..." Finding my voice again, I respond quickly. "Hi Jess. I'm Ali. I... I was wondering if you'd like to go get coffee sometime?" 

I can't believe it - I'd just asked her out! I asked a girl out. Flush with my own excitement at my daring and nerve, I nearly missed seeing her eyes grow wide and her smile as well, in addition to a very light flush on her cheeks. Wow, I find myself getting excited that I made her blush, that I made her smile. I'm in a fog, caught up in the thrill of it unfolding, when I see her eyes start to show a little concern. Shit! From her look, I can tell she's waiting for me to reply to her and I wrack my brain to see if I even caught what she'd said to me. It comes back, her 'yes, I'm free now actually', and I feel my heart racing. I clear my throat and smile, back in the zone, "great, let's go." 

The nearest coffee shop is within two blocks, but I can't seem to come up with anything to say, rejecting every silly thing I manage to think of. Luckily, she is handling this much better than I am. "So, is communications your major? Mine's business management." Finding this innocuous topic easy to deal with, I'm able to reply and ask her where she's from, finding out that she's a Pittsburg native. Before I know it, we're sitting in the corner of the cafe with our coffees safely in hand, chatting away quite easily. She has pretty light green eyes that sparkle as she talks about Pittsburg, and I enjoy how expressive her smile is. I have a moment of wondering if it's weird that I'm watching her lips and her hands, amazed at how expressive they are, but she doesn't seem to notice and I push that concern away.

After telling her a funny story about a prank one of my soccer teammates pulled on our coach, I feel myself completely relaxed and kind of wondering why I'd been so scared to talk to her. Her hand on my arm brings me out of my reverie. "So, well, I don't want to make this weird or anything..." and I feel myself tensing. "But, umm, Ali, have you ever asked anyone out before?" I feel a furious blush brighten my face, but when I look up into her kind eyes, I find myself giggling at my nerves. I catch my breath and admit, "Uhh, no, I haven't actually. Is it that obvious - was I awful?" She gives my arm a squeeze and I find that she has a very gentle smile. 

"No, not at all. Actually, if it's your first time, I'd say you did pretty darn well." I find a small sense of relief mixed with victory at me not having mangled this thing too badly. "So, I know this is presumptuous, but.. Have you ever dated a girl?" Her question takes me off guard, and I feel the heated flush again. She pulls her hand from my arm and her eyes show a little bit of fear, maybe a little regret at being so bold and open in her statement. "Um, no. I've never..." And my voice fades as I run out of what to say. She gets a shy look on her face, "well, if you want, I'd like to hang out with you some more." And her hand touches my arm lightly again, "and if there's more after we get to know each other, then we can just go from there... What do you think?" I find my tension fade and I let a sigh of relief slip out. I look back at her and give her a small smile and say yeah. She smiles a little wider but then says, "Ali, we'd never have to do anything if you don't want to." 

I'm amazed at what she says so sincerely. It's in such stark contrast to my experiences with how guys work. With guys, you are constantly on your guard, knowing they'll always be pushing you to be physical, to make out, to have sex. It was like this horrible battle, constantly fighting off their ever insistent lust, as if that is the one and only focus of a relationship. And knowing that they probably don't care anything more about you than the chance to have sex with you makes the battle even more insulting and demeaning. Jessica's attitude was so refreshing and kind of exciting - having the idea of someone actually _caring_ what I thought and felt. The concept of someone caring about my feelings or wants, of **_respecting_** me as a person was unheard of. To not feel constantly pressured or bullied into more than I wanted or was ready for - Holy shit. Is this what dating girls would be like? If so, then maybe I'd sign up for this gay thing right now, because it felt so easy and so natural. No more fears, no more being pressured, no more empty dread, no more feeling like a piece of meat - instead, just being myself and letting things happen only if BOTH of us were feeling the same thing. Unreal. We made plans to hang out the following night. And, for the first time in my life, I am excited about going on a date with someone.

Ashlyn's POV

Two weeks later

Thanks to our unique friendship, Tobin had realized that I didn't want to talk about Ali and had respectfully not brought up the subject since. When not playing the mentor and confidant for Tobin's budding romance, I found myself completely engrossed and more dedicated to working hard in soccer practice and games. I'd gone to a few parties in the meantime, but tended to get bored quickly and usually made an early escape. I knew, without admitting it to Tobin, that I was off my game, but I kept thinking that I'd eventually shrug it off, like I usually did.

After our decisive win over Duke, Tobs and I were joking around in the locker room as usual, when Dee, one of our middies, came over. "So Ash, what's been up with you lately? Have you finally found yourself a girlfriend, cause we haven't heard about any of your latest conquests." Now, I knew that Dee loved drama and often times created it when she couldn't find it. "Haha, that so funny Dee. Even I have my lulls. Thanks for your concern though." I put enough cutting sarcasm into it that Dee backed off and turned to find her fun elsewhere. Tobs just shrugged her shoulders as I rolled my eyes and we left the locker room to head home.

When we got home, I told Tobs I had some homework to do. Sitting at the table, with my laptop glaring at me, I couldn't concentrate. _We haven't heard about any of your latest **conquests**_ bounces around my head and makes me both angry and confused and I slam my laptop closed. What the hell? Does everyone think I'm a Don Juan, that I'm some freaking female Lothario? I find myself getting worked up and I'm not sure why. Dammit, I totally respected women, hell, I basically worshipped them. And, just because I wasn't dating anyone didn't mean I was incapable of it! I pull in a deep breath and wonder why this is getting to me.

Then a thought slips in and takes me totally off guard - am I _really_ capable of dating someone? I feel a shudder of unfamiliar doubt at the question. I've always been so confident about being able to pick up and hook up with girls. But the thought of dating someone is not something I've ever really thought about before. If you're dating someone, that means hanging out a lot, it means her getting to know every little thing about you and I feel a sense of dread at that idea. That means she'd find out how poor my family was growing up and how everyone in school made fun of me for it. It means she'd find out how I'd nearly committed suicide in high school after the first girl I kissed told everyone I'd forced her and I became a social pariah and had lost the few friends I'd had. She'd find out that my dad had disowned me upon having the school notify him about me being "disruptive" for being gay and that 'something really ought to be done'. She'd find out my mom, in one of her drunken rages, had told me that I wasn't really a girl at all if I didn't like boys, that she scoffed at me, saying that I used to be 'so pretty' but now I just dressed up like an ugly boy. She would realize that I wasn't nearly as smooth and cool and confident as I pretended. She'd learn all those terrible secrets and shame from my past, and she would come to the same conclusion that my parents had - that I wasn't worthy of love, that I was a freak and a loser.

A soft splattering sound shakes me and I look down and realize I'm crying. I roughly wipe my hands across my eyes and checks, angry and ashamed at these thoughts. Do I really think so little of myself, that no one would find me worthy of dating, of loving? I recognize suddenly that I'd never really allowed myself to think about these things before. I had thought I was being strong by dismissing it at the time, that by not acknowledging it, it would go away and never hurt me. I thought I had been courageous by leaving all that behind me in Florida. Now I could sense that I hadn't left any of it behind at all. That instead, it had festered and thrived in my denial. I had let those thoughts of being unworthy, of being abnormal, of being a disappointment become my _own_ beliefs about myself, by failing to confront them, by not questioning them. 

Oh, like hell will I let myself think this! Yes, I had been humiliated by how I was treated in high school - it had hurt to feel so alone, to know everyone thought I was a freak. And, sadly, it hadn't surprised me that my own dad disowned me when he found out I was gay. He was an incredible bigot, a misogynist, and an altogether selfish asshole. So, frankly I would've been shocked by anything less from him. And the hurt and shame at my mother's words still haunted me _you're not really a girl at all..._ had pretty much shattered me. If my grandmother hadn't taken me in and loved me so completely, I know I would never had made it through high school. When my grandmother had hugged me the day I moved in, she'd said the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. She said "honey, you are perfect. You are beautiful and perfect. I love you just the way you are. Don't let anyone ever fool you otherwise." I smiled at that memory, her simple stated wisdom and pure love had truly saved me from giving up.

I pushed my laptop away from me and slammed my palms down on the table. No, as my grandmother had told me, I would not let anyone make me feel like I was unworthy of being loved just because I was gay! I'm smart enough to know that no one chooses who they fall in love with, that it takes courage and strength to be honest and true to your feelings! So, I have no reason, no excuse for not wanting someone to get to know me. I feel a tingle of fear and try to tackle it head on. The only reason I've been afraid of someone really getting to know me is because I'd let this doubt and fear and hate from others fester inside me. But now, that time is over - I would not let fear rule me, not anymore. I look up to see that I've been pacing these last few minutes, circling the couch. I feel a new sense of lightness, feeling that I've thrown off a very heavy weight from my shoulders, the weight of fear and doubt I had not realized I'd been carrying. A new sense of wonder starts to churn in me, wonder at who I might let myself become, now that I've thrown off this weight. I walk to my room with a sense of peace and purpose I don't remember ever feeling before.


	11. In theory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Ali:  
> In theory, asking a girl on a date is simple, going on a date is simple... Right?!  
> In reality, going on a date with another girl is... 
> 
> For Ash: She can't hide from her feelings for Ali - or can she?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, I've been really struggling with where to take this story.
> 
> This chapter will, I hope, be the bridge to where I want to take the story - to the next level for both Ali and Ash. 
> 
> Comments are very welcome!

Ali's POV

The next day (after Ali's first coffee date with Jess)

No freaking way! Coach just texted that we have extra practice tonight. So much for spending time with Jessica tonight. I text Jess to let her know we'll have to get together some other time.; Jess' reply is so sweet "all good things..." And, I find myself oddly relieved for this brief respite. I wonder if maybe I'm not quite as ready as I felt yesterday.

Three weeks later

Jess and I have had coffee after nearly every session of our class. It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to talk to her. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised, for when I think about it, it's always been easy to talk to girls. It's never been about who's in charge, about boring sports statistics, about mind games, about constant sexual innuendo and my then necessary demure deflections - as it always was with boys. Instead, talking with girls is easy, simple, it's about communicating and enjoying, learning and listening - pretty much the opposite of talking with boys. And, it is so stress free that I find myself loving just talking about anything and everything. 

Tonight though, she's invited me over, ostensibly to 'study' and I can feel my nerves ramping up and my mind racing in fear of the unknown. Will she expect something from me, will she try something with me - and what if I'm not ready, what if I don't _feel_ it?! What if I run out of things to say to her, what if - _Shit, get ahold of yourself Alex! You're driving yourself to distraction and it's an exercise in futility._

The evening

I'm trying on my eighth outfit and my roommate Amy is getting aggravated. "This is the one Ali. I swear!" She mutters, half exasperated and half excited. I sigh and rotate in front of the mirror, wondering if it's too tight or not tight enough. "Ali, I swear. If I were gay, I would totally flip if you were wearing this. Cmon, this is the one." I twirl one more time, finally able to agree this is the best I've found. It's a nice mix of a little bit sexy without being overt and flashy. It is my favorite pair of skinny jeans and one of my favorite shirts.

"Ok, I'm going with this. Gosh, it is really 6:15 already?" I ask in a slight panic suddenly, as I'm supposed to be there at 6:30. Amy just shakes her head and rolls her eyes, smiling at the same time. "Now... About the shoes..." Somehow I manage to finish and leave by 6:22 and I walk as quickly as I can to Jess' apartment. 

Ash's POV

_After her shudders subsided, after the most beautiful orgasm I ever remember seeing, I laid down next to her, trying to catch her eyes. I could tell she was avoiding mine, so I just softly stroked her hair and felt her relax against me. Her hair was so heavy and silken, and I knew I could brush her hair for hours. Her hands were hesitant and shaky as she trailed them up from my stomach and grazed just below my breasts. I could not hold in the moan at her touch. Finally, her eyes met mine and I see a wonderment there and shyness. Her hand lightly brush against my right breast and I moaned again, noticing her eyes darkened and wide. My hands reached up to cup over hers, pressing her more firmly against my breast and I heard her moan as well, making me arch up into her._

_A soft whisper escapes from her, "I didn't know.." and she sighs as her fingers touch my nipple for the first time. Her hands are rough and calloused and yet somehow soft, sending warmth through my body. I hold my breath, wanting her so badly that I'm terrified to move. Her fingers circle and then lightly pinch and pull my hardened nub, making me groan and press into her hand. Her hooded eyes look at me with fascination and undisguised longing. Her other hand kneads my left breast with more pressure. And suddenly I'm shocked when I feel her breath just above my right nipple and I cry out before I can stop myself just as my body arches trying to make contact with her lips. Oh fuck! Her warm lips softly kiss my nipple, and then her tongue rolls over and around until I feel her teeth nibble and pull my aching nipple into her mouth. I feel wetness flood between my legs as she continues to suck and tease and my hands pull her down against me, crushing her mouth against my breast._

_I'm panting now, as my hands slide up to grab her ass and pull her roughly down against my hips, my core throbbing in need. Her eyes are wide and I see her nervousness, but I can't stop my desperate words of need from tearing out of me in a husky voice, "please... Please." Her hands tentatively slide down to my hips. "I don't know what to do" she says shakily. And I look at her to let her know it's ok, that anything she gives me will be enough. I'm surprised when she glides a hand down my thigh and then slowly up again, as her eyes watch mine, and slowly darken to black. Her fingers haltingly trail closer to my center and my hips swing up to encourage her touch. I feel her hand shaking as she ghosts her fingers over my folds, her touch so light that I wonder if it really happened. Her fingers grow a bit bolder as they press into my folds as she gasps against my chest. Her fingers explore and circle my wetness and then I feel her gently enter me, just barely sliding into my hot walls. I can feel my body quivering and pulsing, and I can't help but move my hand over hers to push her further into me, as I look into her glowing honey chestnut eyes. "Yes Ali, please... more!"_

Wham! Several books fall to the floor, waking me from my beautiful dream, as I nearly fall to the library floor from my study desk. Fuck! Fuckety Fuck fuck! Just when she was about to bring me to orgasm, just when she finally had to the courage to touch me! This was the dream that had been torturing me for the last few months. I knew what it meant - I wanted her to fuck me. No, no that's not really what I wanted - I want her to _make love_ to me, to touch me and want me as much as I wanted her. It was a startling revelation considering I never let women touch me like that, feeling it was too much of myself to give, just being satisfied with giving pleasure to them. And that, I realized, was a big part of me not being able to stop thinking about Ali - the fact that I wanted her to want me, to touch me just as I wanted her, to want me as I wanted her. And I still wanted her. I wanted her badly. I wanted her in ways I've never wanted anyone before. Fuck!

Ali's POV

Jess opens the door with a smile, "promptly on time - impressive" she laughs and I laugh with her. "You have no idea how late I almost was, though." She nods as if she knows how many outfits I tried on, how many hours I agonized over what to wear. She ushers me in and grabs a beer for us both as I nod my head to her implied question, then walks me to her room.

"Soooo, this is my room" she swings her head to make it seem more officious and we both laugh again. I love that it is so easy being around her. We both sit down on opposite sides of her bed and pop open our beers, leaning back against the headboard. She flips open her laptop and plays some music while we sip our beers.

Later, I lean over to hand my finished beer to Jess, who sets it on her bedside table. I glance down to the laptop, "what song is this?" I ask. Jess reaches over to scroll up to bring up the title "Lose yourself by Eminem." As she turns to me, she reaches up to push a loose strand of hair back over my right ear, and I hold my breath.

"Ali... I really want to kiss you right now." She says while looking into my eyes. I let my shaky breath out, not quite knowing how I feel about this. _Dammit, how will you ever know if you don't try?_ I lean in towards her and look down at her lips, hoping my own lips aren't shaking with nerves like the rest of me is.

The thought is quickly drowned out as her lips are soft and gentle against mine, almost too much so. She's being timid, probably so she won't scare me. I pull her more roughly against me, wanting to really feel her kiss me. Her tongue slips along my lower lip and I open my lips to let her in. Her hands softly touch my thighs and I feel a pleasant warmth run up my legs, but nothing too overpowering. The kiss is nice - it's so much better than all of the sloppy and devouring kisses from past boyfriends. Her tongue continues to twist against mine and I hear her moan into me. When she starts to kiss down my neck, her hands slide up just a little bit higher on my thigh and I feel a sense of nervousness creeping. Then, her hands slide up to my stomach and I suddenly tense. It feels good, it really does... but... But something is missing. I open my eyes and realize what it is - she's not Ashlyn. She isn't making me feel that overwhelming desire and rush like every touch from Ash did. I sigh and pull back gently.

"Jess. I'm so sorry... I just... I'm not over someone else..." As I say it, it really hits me. I still have feelings for Ashlyn. I'm not sure what those feelings are, but I know that I haven't been able to keep Ash out of my subconscious mind for even a single day. If I'm honest, every single dream, every waking fantasy is about Ash. Is it because she was my first? I don't know. I only know that Ash made me feel things I cannot not describe or fully comprehend. Being with Jess is nice, but I want that overwhelming sensation, that feeling of being out of control, that rush of adrenaline and desire that Ash had brought out in me. I know now that I want Ash. I still want Ash. It's not fair to Jess or myself to pretend otherwise.

Jess leans back and puts her hands in her lap, looking down for a few moments, then back up to look at me. "Damn, I understand. I wish I didn't - I wish you didn't still have feelings for... Whoever she is. But, I understand. I hope... Can we - do you want to still be friends?" 

I'm so blown away by her reaction. No anger, no pushing, no second aggressive attempts, just genuine understanding and a sincere desire to remain friends. I've never had such a peaceful and stress less let down with someone. Wow. "Yes, I'd love to still be friends with you Jess. I, uh, really should go though. I hope you understand. We'll text tomorrow, ok?" She nods and walks me graciously to the door.

I get home and Amy runs into my room, finding me already lying face first on my bed. "So, don't be dramatic - tell me what happened? Oh gosh, are you ok? Damn, I mean - ..."

I flip over and pat the bed, "I'm ok Amy. It was.. It was fine until she kissed me." Amy sucks in her breath, obviously reading the wrong thing into what I've said. "No, no - she wasn't awful or anything. It was just... There was no spark, you know? I guess I realized... Well, she didn't make me feel... She didn't make me feel like Ashlyn did. I think... I think I'm still stuck on her, on Ash...." 

Amy nods and gets a faraway look for a moment, then smiles at me. "What?" I ask. She shakes her head, "oh, probably nothing. I'm going to let you alone. Have a good night." And she nearly runs out the door. 

_What the hell was that about?!_ I take a deep breath and look back to the ceiling. _Ash._ Why can't I stop thinking about you, dreaming about you... _fantasizing_ about you? It's not like we really even knew each other. Ok, yeah, we did _know_ each other... But we'd never hung out, been friends, dated. So why am I still so obsessed - _yikes, that's a scary word to use_ \- with her? Ash... I fall into a fitful asleep with her name on my lips, feeling there is some important revelation so nearly within my grasp.


	12. Hitting the wall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin talks Ash into visiting Penn State on a UNC bye week.
> 
> Will Ali and Ash take advantage of this opportunity to give in to their undeniable feelings?

Ali's POV

For the last week, I've been thinking about Ash nearly every moment of every day. It's almost exhausted me, since I feel so helpless as to what to do about it. I mean, she's like 7 hours away - not an insurmountable distance, to be sure, but still not easily accessible.

What would I do if I could somehow see her, I find myself wondering often. What would I say? Would I say 'oh, you know that I dream about you every night; that I touch myself and think about you, wishing it were _your hands_ touching me?' I blush at even thinking it, blushing harder because I know it's true. 

It's so infuriating, realizing that I want to see her again, that I want to be with her again, I want... Oh damn, I just want her, whatever the hell that means. I don't let myself get caught up in what it really means, me fantasizing about her. I can only focus on my burning need for her that just seems to keep growing, painfully keeping me from being able to concentrate on anything besides her.

I know, deep down, that I just need to get over it. There's just no way we'd ever have another chance to see each other, aside from maybe a game the following year. It's so unrealistic and torturous to keep thinking about someone I can't have. I really need to figure out how to get over this...

Ash's POV

"Hey Ash, you have any plans for next weekend, since it's a bye week?" Tobin asks. 

"Hmm, not really. You have any ideas?" I reply.

"Well, Kelly has a friend that goes to Penn State" and I cringe "and we were considering going up there. It's their homecoming weekend next week also, so it could be kinda crazy and fun. Or, we might go to her friends at Boston College. We're not sure." Tobin looks over to Kelly who nods her head from down on Tobin's lap, looking ridiculous.

I take a quick look online and see that they'd have a home soccer game that Friday and my head starts spinning. I hate to admit it, but I've been looking for an excuse to see Ali again, if only to get her out of my head. "Well, I'd love to go if you chose Penn State, as I kinda feel like I have some... unfinished business." I trail off awkwardly. 

Kelly perks up, "Ooh, do you mean that girl you're hung up on?" And Tobin slaps her lightly on the shoulder muttering that was supposed to be a secret. Kelly, being an upfront type of girl, looks confused and continues, "well, Tobin thinks you're still hung up on that Ali girl. So maybe you should do something about it."

"Tobs, how do you put up with her being so blunt?" And I smile over to Kelly to let her know I'm joking around - mostly. Tobs just shrugs and smiles as Kelly puts her head back down in Tobin's lap. "Yep, we're so going to Penn State next weekend," Kelly says and I know who wears the pants in that relationship, so it's a done deal.

Next week, Friday morning

"Oh my gosh, Ash! You seriously are still packing? You're so totally into this girl. Look how you're going crazy about what to wear, what to bring." Tobs jokes with me and just makes me more grumbly and indecisive. Tobs finally takes pity and comes over and grabs my three best outfits, stuffs them into my bag and tosses the other stuff back on my bed. I mumble a thanks and she just chucks me on the shoulder.

"Let's roll girl! Kelly's meeting us downstairs with her car." Tobs grabs her bags and heads out.

We make excellent time on the road and arrive at Penn State at about five, giving us time to get dinner before the soccer game. 

The game

"Go Kriegs!" Tobin's yell seems to reverberate around the pitch, sending me slouching in my seat. I notice Ali glancing up curiously to our area, then she grins and nods at me. 

"Funny, she didn't seem to notice me at all" muses Tobs, so I punch her on the arm. Her ow makes me grin.

"She's amazing. Did you see that tackle and the steal? And her footwork..." I mutter as I raptly watch Ali's every move, even when she doesn't have the ball.

"Cool your jets Ash. Yeah, she's pretty good. But hey, did you notice those _other_ players out there? Some of them aren't too bad at soccer either." Tobs ribs me and laughs at my blank expression. 

"Shut it Tobs. I couldn't give a damn about those other players." Tobs laughs again and mutters something that sounds like 'oh, I know' - and I hear Kelly snicker at her comment as well.

After the game

"So, I guess we won't see you later tonight." Tobs jokes as I leap up to head toward the locker rooms, hoping to catch Ali. 

"Haha. Yeah, I doubt it," I toss out as I jog away, but not as confident as I sound.

Ali is standing by the locker room doors talking to one of her teammates animatedly. She doesn't notice me at first so I take the chance to simply look at her. She is flushed from a full 90+ minutes of playing, her hair pulled back in a cute bun that she favors. She looks amazing and I wish I could stare at her for hours, to just get lost in her radiance.

She suddenly looks up, causing her teammate to look around to see what's distracted her. The teammate gets a knowing look on her face and pats Ali and heads into the locker room. I shuffle over to her, feeling more nervous than I've ever felt around a girl before, freaking me out.

"Hey, nice game out there." I start off lamely, as I rub my neck nervously.

"Thanks. Soooo... What brings you out to Penn State?" She asks curiously, but I also see something else in her eyes, something that looks like excitement - or something similar.

"Visiting some friends of my best friend's girlfriend - we had a bye week." I find myself at a loss for words and am ready to kick myself.

Finally, I get my nerves up and ask "would you like to have dinner after you're done in there?" I can see her eyes light up and I feel a rush of my own excitement, realizing she may be happy to see me, although I can't imagine why.

"Yeah, that's great. Give me twenty and I'll meet you back here." She says with a shy grin lighting up her face. I step toward her impulsively and give her a hug. I feel an amazing calm come over me, combined with a fire that starts down low and spreads through my body. She eventually pulls back, muttering 'sweaty' with an eye roll and she walks slowly into the locker room.

After the longest twenty minutes in my life, she walks out, her hair hanging loose and free, taking my breath away. She's barely wearing any makeup, aside from light mascara, but I swear she is so beautiful that I have a hard time breathing.

"Would you wanna order pizza at my place?" She asks and I nod, still not able to take my eyes off of her, not able to form words yet. 

She grabs a couple of beers and walks to her room, not bothering to ask me to follow. Does she know at this point I'd follow her anywhere, to hell and back, just to be near her?

I sit on the same side of the bed as last time, having an uncomfortable flashback as to how things turned out last time. Ali, though, seems much less nervous than last time and somehow that is making me more nervous myself. She turns on the tv for some background noise and we both lean back.

"So I wanted to apologize..." Ali starts, interrupting my own "About last time..." and we both laugh lightly at the tension. "You go first" I offer.

Ali looks nervous for the first time as she appears to struggle with starting up again. I find myself gently rubbing her arm and pull back anxiously, not wanting to be presumptuous or to make her more nervous.

"Well, I really want to apologize for the way I... for running out last time." She takes a big sigh and leans back, and I sense a weight being taken off her shoulders. "I was scared. Not that... Not that it's an excuse. But.. Well, you see... It was my first... Um.. I'd never... I'dneverbeenwithagirl" she hurries out, flushing. Luckily, I'm able to make out what she said so she doesn't have to repeat it.

"Hey, it's ok. I'll admit that at first I was really hurt and confused, thinking I'd done something to upset you. I finally remembered how overwhelming and scary it was for my own first time - I do understand." I rub her arm consolingly and she looks up at me with a tear running down her cheek. Without thinking, I brush my thumb to wipe the tear away and wrap my arms around in a light hug, feeling her lean into me.

 

Ali's POV

I'm talking to Amy after the game when I suddenly sense someone's gaze on me. I look up and am pleasantly surprised to see Ashlyn standing a few yards away. I can feel Amy's knowing look as she taps me on the arm and walks away to the locker room.

We exchange a few pleasantries and then she asks if I'd like to have dinner with her. A smile comes over me before I can think to quell it and I suggest we order pizza at my place.

I'm surprised when she pulls me in for a hug, but it feels so good to have her warm arms around me, making my legs feel weak and my body hot from every point where we're touching. When I remember I'm sweaty from the game I reluctantly pull away and head of the locker room to take a quick shower.

When I walk out again, I can feel the heat of her eyes watching me, sending their heat through me. I grab her hand and we walk to my apartment. I grab a couple of beers and walk to my room. I'm afraid to look at her for some reason.

As we sit on my bed, I feel a rush of excitement mingled with trepidation, remembering everything that happened that night a few months back, from the incredible sex to me running out like a scared kid. I lean back and try to shake at least that last part of the memory from my head.

We both start talking at the same time and she encourages me to begin. I struggle for a minute, trying to find the courage, much less the words to explain why I acted like I had last time. I can feel myself stuttering out random words and sentence and can only hope it makes some sense to her. I end by admitting, with a nervous burst of words strung together "I'dneverbeenwithagirl" and I can feel my face heat up in embarrassment at my admission.

As she says some very kind things about being nervous her first time, I feel her reach up to wipe a tear that I didn't know was falling. Then, she pulls me in for a gentle hug and I melt into her. _The warmth and adrenaline fight with each other as I twist my body so I can feel her more fully against me. I breathe in the scent of Ashlyn that I thought I'd forgot and it sends goosebumps racing down my arms to my chest. I feel myself relaxing for the first time in a long time, finally feeling like everything is right, like it's supposed to be.._

After a few moments, Ash pulls away and gives me a lingering look, filled with hope and doubt. Without really thinking, I put my arms around her neck and pull her to me, brushing my lips against hers. Her moan is lost in the sound of mine and her tongue gently presses between my lips to make entry and I moan louder, pulling her closer.

She pulls away abruptly, with a question in her eyes. "Are you sure?" She asks - and I know she's asking about more than the kiss. 

I have to catch my breath before I can reply, "Yes... You're all I can think about." I admit shyly and I see a huge grin come over her.

"I know." Is her husky reply and I can feel the implied 'you're all I can think about too' from her intense look into my eyes.

She gives another quick grin then pulls me back for an intense and exploring kiss, sending shivers rushing down my limbs and ending at my core. Her tongue duels with mine and sends my heart spinning as I can't help remembering how her tongue felt down between my legs and I groan out in desperate need.

Ash's POV

I have to stop myself from crying out when I feel her breath against my neck as she turns into the hug to snuggle closer. _Goddamn, she feels incredible._ After a few moments, though, I get nervous and pull back to see if she's ok. I want so much to keep holding her, to feel her against me, but I can't be selfish.

What I see in her eyes, dark and filled with desire, nearly gives me a heart attack. She throws her arms around my neck and leans in to give me a gentle lingering kiss. My tongue can't resist and I slide gently into her to taste her more fully, my moan mingling with hers.

Again, I pull back to ask if she's sure, since I don't know if I'll be able to stop myself if we continue. Hearing her say that I'm all she can think about sends me into a frenzy - _because she is ALL I can think about too_ \- and she crushes her lips on mine, and I know I'm so completely lost in her. 

I slide my hands down to pull her under me, pressing my body against her fully and languorously. I squeak out a sigh at the wonder of how perfectly she feels against me. Her hands pulls my hips against hers as she thrusts up against me and a rush of heat flies through me, making me wet with my need for her. 

My hands are shaking as I reach up and start to tug up her shirt, grateful to see the hunger matched in her eyes. I yank it off and slide my hand beneath her to unclasp her bra and slip it off. I stop and just stare into her eyes for a moment, trying to tell her without words how beautiful she is, how much I want to please her. Her cry of please and her undulating body pressing against me, unravelling my senses. I reach up and tear off my shirt and bra and then lie down to feel her skin against me. _Oh my gods, she feels so good! Did she feel this perfect last time? I suddenly have only a fuzzy memory, being overwhelmed with the feel of her right now - this moment being the only one I can concentrate on._

The feel of her nipples hardening against mine makes my hands twitch and I rub my thigh against her, making her moan. Her legs wrap around my thigh and she starts to grind up on me, setting me completely on fire. I see her eyes are as dark as mine must be, and I watch her as she moves against me. I thrust down against her and can feel the extra heat of her core against me. I can't stand it anymore and roughly pull down her shorts and panties, gasping in my desperation to feel her. Her eyes lock onto mine again and I can see her raw hunger. Her hands tug at my jeans and I help her pull them off, then my underwear also.

She grabs my ass and presses her core against me, moaning out my name. I grind my hips into her, feeling her wet warmth slipping against me, making my legs shake weakly. I'm shocked when I hear her cry out, "don't tease me!" and it sends me into frantic motion. My hands sweep down to her core, sliding through the damp folds and circling her entrance. _Oh god, She is so wet for me._ Her hips jerk up and I sink two fingers deep inside her hot walls, loving the feel of her tightening around me. Her groan and cries make me thrust faster, my thumb circling her clit with great intent. I can feel her walls gripping my fingers as they start to convulse and her body shudders against me. I continue thrusting into her, reveling at how beautiful she looks with her eyes closed and her breath panting out as words like "God.. Yes... Fuck." 

I feel her coming down, but I continue thrusting into her, not wanting it to end, wanting to bring her to another high. Her hips are more languid this time, not so filled with urgency as they were mere moments before, while her walls pull me in deeper with my every thrust. I sink me head down to her and pull my fingers out, to her moan of loss, and sweep my tongue through her folds, teasingly circling her entrance. Her hands press against the back of my head, twisting in to my hair and she presses me into her, and I relent and slide my tongue deep into her. Oh the taste of her in indescribably wonderful, and I set my tongue to thrusting harder and deeper into her, feeling her hands press me to her. I let my hand wander to her clit and she gently pushes me away, letting her hips continue to thrust to meet my mouth and tongue. I curl my tongue into her and her hips jump more quickly to meet me until she spills out into my my mouth, crying out my name. I lap up every bit of her juices and lift my mouth to hover over her clit, breathing heavily. She jerks and then pulls me up to give me a lingering kiss, her tongue lazily flitting against mine.

Ali's POV

Ash is on top of me and I can hardly draw a breath. My hands are pulling her against me and I'm grinding on her before I realize what my body is doing, but I don't care since it feels so good. She peels off my shirt and quickly dispatches hers as well, leaning back down on me. _I'd forgotten how incredible it felt to feel her breasts pressed against mine, her nipples rubbing and teasing mine. It is almost unbearable._

As she slips one leg between mine, I throw mine around and start grinding up against her thigh, then pull her ass against me to add more pressure. Part of me is in wonder at being so forward and open with my desire, but my body knows what it wants even if I can't articulate it. Between the feel of her breast sliding against mine and her thigh rubbing against my core, I cannot think straight. She yanks off my shorts and underwear and I feel myself smile at her hurry, as I also reach for hers which she helps me tug off. And the.. Oh god, I feel her skin and warmth sliding against and into my core and I am lost in the sensation while I moan her name. And I shamelessly beg her not to tease me, as I'm so far gone, so wet and throbbing with my need to feel her completely. 

Her hands are like silk as she runs her hand up, cupping my core and then circling my entrance. My hips wildly jerk and I gasp as I feel her fingers slide into me. My breathing stutters as her fingers work faster and deeper, meeting each urgent thrust of my hips. _Her hands are like a sculptors, molding and filling me, teasing each secret place like a master. I feel like my mind is filled will splinters of pleasure as each thrust sends me closer to the edge._ I'm crying out desperate words of need, wanting just a little more. With the brush of her thumb on my clit, I go tumbling over the edge of ecstasy, white light and pleasure seeping to my ever pore, making my body shudder.

As I come down, I realize she's still inside me, thrusting into me. I'm still barely able to process this when I feel her slip out of me, causing me to cry out at the loss of the sensation. I nearly jump when I feel her tongue glide and circle my entrance, my hands pulling her head closer against me and I groan in satisfaction when I feel her tongue sink into my center, thrusting gently. As the sensation and heat grows, I pull her face more urgently against me, needing to feel her deeper and harder inside me. When her hand ghosts over my clit, I push it away, too sensitive for that, instead thrusting into her tongue more urgently. _The feel of her hot tongue thrusting into me is driving me wild. It fills me in a different way than her fingers, but it feels so much more intimate._ I'm jamming my hips up violently against her tongue and suddenly feel the sweet release and quivering thought my body. It's not quite as intense as the first time, but this time it feels so much sweeter, so much more meaningful. Her hot breath over my clit nearly sends me into another orgasm, and I quickly pull her up to kiss her. Our lips fit so perfectly, just like our bodies. I gently flick my tongue against her and feel a moan rising in her throat to reverberate into my kiss, making her hips twitch against mine.

I let out a deep sigh as she pulls back to lay on top of me, both of us still breathless. I wend my hands lazily across her back and she sighs into me, her breath warm against my chest, as we lie contentedly together. When I look in her eyes, I see a softness I don't recall ever seeing before.

After a few minutes, my hands start rubbing her a little harder, with more intent, and I flip over on top of her, sliding my hands from beneath her shoulders down to her hips and back up again. She moans out my name and I suddenly realize that I want to give her every bit of pleasure that she gave me. I suck in my breath, feeling nervous...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I'm hoping this gets the story back on track.
> 
> Let me know what you think! Comments welcome :)
> 
> I think you can sense there will be some serious part 2 action after this chapter, where Ali might finally find a way to express her feelings more directly to Ash. *wink. I'll let you ponder that . ;)


	13. What the heart wants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Ash let herself be vulnerable?  
> Will Ali give in to her most secret desires?

Ali's POV

I run my hands back up along her sides all the way to her neck then lean down to place a gentle kiss on her lips, slipping my tongue in to leisurely explore her mouth. After a few moments it becomes more heated, her tongue twining with mine and setting my heart racing. I run my lips to her jaw and down her neck, nipping and licking to draw her moans and sighs. _Everything feels the same as last time... Wait, no, it's different. It's more real, it's deeper than it was the first time, there's emotion and feelings behind it - I'm sure of it. And this time, I fully realize that I'm drawn to her, attracted to her, that I want her. I'm still not sure what that really means, but I know this is what my heart wants... I want Ashlyn. And right now, that is all I need to know._

I let my breath out slowly and pull myself off to lay half on my side so I can see Ashlyn better. Her chest is still rising and falling quickly, and her nipples are beautifully perked up and inviting. Without thinking, my hand goes to caress her breast, hearing her sharp intake of breath. I look up and see her eyes are nearly black with desire and unfocused need and I lean up to kiss her lips again, pulling on her lower lip. I continue to slowly circle her breast and let my fingers trail over her hardened nipple in a state of wonder. _She is so soft, so warm, so beautiful. I flash back to my dreams, of touching her with intent, wanting to bring her pleasure, and my heart races at the thought that I'm actually doing it, I'm making my dreams a reality._ My thumb flicks over the hardened bud and then I pinch the nipple between my thumb and forefinger, feeling the nipple harden further and arch into my hand. She's closed her eyes now and I watch as her face tightens in pleasure as I hover my mouth over her nipple and then kiss it gently. Her hand pulls me closer and I suck and graze my teeth more vigorously, hearing her moan reverberate in her chest beneath me, sending heat to my center. I massage the other breast as I continue to kiss and suck and nip at her breast and nipple, loving the way she's moaning and arching into me, the way she keeps pressing my face into her chest.

I pull myself slowly back on top of her, making sure to drag my breasts directly against hers, sliding and moving so that our hardened nipples brush against each other. The feeling is exquisite and almost brings me to orgasm, shocking me. Again she groans and I feel her hips arching up against mine and I suddenly know what she wants. I kiss her collar bone and she moans into me and I trace my way up her neck, drawing more sighs. When I get to her ear, I trace it with my tongue and then nibble and pull on her lower lobe, smiling as she leans into me. 

I slip my hand down to brush against her waist, and feel the heat radiating off her body - it is amazing. Her hand touches mine and guides it toward her center. I hold back and she looks at me with a question. I smile softly and lower so that my face is just above her hips, wanting to see her when I touch her in her most sensitive area. _In my dreams, it was always blurry, but here and now, it is vivid, nearly overwhelming. She is breathtaking._

My hand slips between her legs and brushes teasingly on one inner thigh and then the other, sweeping ever closer to her core. She groans out "don't tease me" and I understand her need. My hand cups the wet and heat of her core, then I let my fingers glide through her folds. _I find myself wondering if this sense of elation and pleasure is what she felt touching me.. But the feel of her warmth and wet against me is too much pleasure to let my mind continue._ As I reach the top of her folds, she twitches when I brush against her clit, overly sensitive, and I smile. I catch her eyes and they are hazy with lust, thrilling me with their intensity. I circle lightly with my fingers and then trail them back down to her center and circle there. Her hips are thrusting against me fiercely, desperate for my touch. I bring my fingers to her entrance and slip into her slowly, wanting to relish and remember this feeling forever, bringing moans to both of us. Her walls are so warm and tight against me, I can only slide in two fingers. Her hand pulls on mine, needing to meet her thrusting hips and I start to thrust in matching rhythm, overwhelmed with the incredible feel of her walls pulling me into her and sliding with my movements. I feel her tensing beneath me and I let my thumb circle her clit again and she shouts out my name as her body convulses in pleasure, her walls holding me tight inside her. _Oh my god! The feel of her surrounding me in her warmth, connecting us in the most intimate way, as I feel her wet gush against my hand... I can feel a matching throb in my own center, making me groan as I start thrusting again into her, imagining her inside me again._

She cries out when she feels my fingers pulsing in her again and her hips rise to meet my hand, helping me thrust deeper into her. The feel of her wetness against me is too much and I lean down to kiss and lick her folds, and she cries out "God, yes, Alex!" I smile into her at her using my family nickname, loving the way it sounds from her. I pull my fingers out and kiss her center and circle it with my tongue and she begs me please and I give in and sink my tongue inside her. _Holy fuck! The feel of her on my tongue and mouth is almost unbearable and I feel my body quivering. She tastes so amazing and I want to keep my tongue inside her forever. I can feel her walls contract and pull at me and I thrust deeper, loving the feel and taste of her._ Words tumble out of her mouth, "fuck! Alex! Yes!" as I slide my tongue inside her walls and let my fingers circle and tease her hard clit. She shudders and convulses, squeezing my tongue inside her, bringing me to my own orgasm, as we shudder against each other. I pull slowly and reluctantly out of her and try to catch my breath as she weakly pulls me up on top of her and gives me a gentle kiss. She looks deep in my eyes and husks "are you sure you've never done this before? Because, damn... You are amazing." And I giggle nervously, replying shyly "Never... But I think... I think I always wanted to and just never realized it." She gives a gentle chuckle and we just hold each other as we both come down from our incredible shared orgasm. _The feel of her body still has me on overload, dizzy with the joy and thrill of giving her such pleasure. It is better than my dreams - oh so much better - it was REAL!_ I feel myself relax more as I feel the rise and fall of her chest against my cheek, the sound of her slowing heartbeat lulling me into sleep. 

Ash's POV

Feeling Ali on top of me is making my heart trip over itself. She runs her hands up my sides and then leans in to kiss me, sliding her lips over mine and into my mouth and our tongues start to dance more seriously and deeply. Suddenly her lips are on my jaw and my neck, nipping and licking, making me moan in delight.

She pulls off so she's half off of me and I want to cry out, needing to feel her all over me. Her hand cupping my breast takes me off guard and I gasp in surprise. Her hands are so soft and warm against me, burning down into my skin, sending goosebumps down my arms and chest. Her eyes bore into me and I nearly melt at her look, then feel her kiss me deeply again. The feel of her fingers as they tease and tweak my nipple is excruciating and wonderful. The sensation of her breath hovering over my nipple me nearly sends me over the edge. She places warm, open mouthed kisses on my breast and nipples, then sucks and nips, making my hips jerk in response. I can't help but pull her closer to me as I moan at her glorious ministrations. _I never expected her to be so forward, so demanding. She is pushing me to the brink with her newfound confidence, sending sparks of pleasure shooting through me, driving me crazy._

When she slides back on top of me, trailing her breast over mine - _Goddamn that feels amazing!_ \- my back arches involuntarily and my hips jerk up against hers. Her hands trail down to my hips and I groan, unable to bear such torment. I pull her hands down toward my center, praying she is ready for it, as my center is throbbing painfully for her touch. She teases me by holding her hand back, giving me a look of pure desire, then lowers her head closer to my hips. I grunt out a ragged "don't tease me" and I don't even recognize my voice, being so low and urgent. _I've never wanted someone this much._

She trails the back of her hands up my inner thighs, and just when I think I may die from the imminent need, she cups me gently, then trails her fingers though my wet folds. I cry out when she glances over my clit, nearly losing it right then. She teases back through my folds and allows her fingers to circle my core enticingly. I thrust more urgently so I can feel her fingers surge into me, filling me. I heave and jerk into her hand and I feel her press into me agonizingly slowly, and my hips jerk, wanting her deeper and deeper inside me. _Oh god! The feel of her inside me, filling me and stroking me, is... No words. I've never let anyone touch me like this and it feels so unbelievably good. Her strokes are bold and somehow gentle at the same time, making me just want her to stop and still her fingers inside me, connecting us completely and timelessly. But my body knows it can't wait for such sweet things as that and I lunge into her more urgently._ Her fingers are hitting my walls just right and I'm nearly there when her fingers flicker on my clit and send me into the most mind blowing climax I've ever felt. 

As I'm coming down, I feel her fingers start to stroke and thrust back inside me and I cry out in surprise and nearly pull her away, but the look in her eyes, so hungry and beautiful, stills my hands. I'm surprised my hips are moving with her again, so quickly after my orgasm. As I'm letting myself get lost in the feel of her stroking me to my very core, I suddenly feel her tongue sweep up though my folds and I hear myself groan out "fuck! Alex! Yes!" as her tongue enters me and her fingers move up to my clit. _Holy fucking hell, her tongue is amazing. Every stroke of her tongue sends splinters of pure ecstasy running through my body, making me quiver. The warmth of her tongue lapping into me is nearly too much to take._ As she thrusts and curls inside me, her fingers flick and circle my clit and I tremble and shake as an incredible orgasm, surpassing the first, rolls though me, nearly making me pass out from the overwhelming pleasure. When I'm finally able to move again, I pull her up and give her a tender kisses and say something silly about not believing this is her first time - her giggles send tingles of joy through me. She says she's never, but always wanted to and I curl my arms around her to hold her tight on top of me, never having felt so alive and so at peace all at once. We fall asleep wrapped up in each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo... What did you think? 
> 
> Comments welcome!


	14. Homecoming heartache

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will the morning light help these stubbornly proud women talk about their feelings?
> 
> Or, will the morning light reveal something else...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long. Life got in the way. Thanks for waiting.
> 
> Let me know what you think!

Ali's POV

Light flickers in my eyes and I try to stretch but feel a weight across my stomach and I puzzle for a moment, halting my morning stretch, before I remember the night before. Oh my - it wasn't a dream, then. _It wasn't a dream!_ I take a halting breath and turn carefully over to face Ashlyn, her arm still wrapped over me. Her face is softer in the early morning light, the slightest hint of a smile on her lips, her dark lashes peaceful, her breath slow and regular, her face in repose more beautiful than I could've imagined. I let myself stare as heat suffuses through my body. _What is it about her that makes me feel as no one ever has before?! What does it mean?_

My hand lightly traces the artwork on her arm, intrigued by the intricacy and the feel of her soft, silken skin. She makes a small, contented sigh but continues to sleep. My hand slides over her defined shoulder and then down to her breast, which I circle gently, loving the softness and weight of her breast in my hand. _How could I have gone so long without noticing and appreciating the beauty of women? The lines and curves and valleys so pleasing, so soft and so strong at the same time. All my life I've been walking around in a dream, never letting myself see what had been right in front of me._

Her nipple hardens and strains underneath my hand, the sensation is indescribably beautiful, sending flutters down my body. I can't shake the feeling of elation and wonder at what my hands are doing, what I'm feeling. My hand continues to follow the contour of her ribs down her side, following the curve of her hip to her thigh. Her moan interrupts my study of her and I look up to see her eyes open and dark, making me blush at being caught. My hand continues though, and I trail down her thigh and then back up to trace over her ribs and down to her abs, which flex delightfully under my touch. My moan breaks free and she pulls me up to kiss me sweetly, murmuring good morning and kissing me again, deeper this time. I pull back to look into her eyes and see such sweetness there it almost takes my breath away. I mutter good morning and then crash my lips against hers, my tongue demanding entrance, exploring as a tremor of desire washes over me. _Her lips are like liquid fire, her tongue a dangerous, teasing dancer, sending the flames higher._

Her moan mingles with mine as she flips me over without breaking our kiss. _Oh, the feeling of her pressed against me, her weight pleasant as it pushes me down, sliding against my chest - is this was lust is?!_ She rubs her thigh against my core while staring into my eyes with longing. A plea flies from me but she shushes me and continues her delicious grinding against me. I shift my hips and grind in rhythm with her, my hands on her ass, pulling her into me more firmly. I can feel her wet against me and I cry out as she pivots sideways to grind her core directly into mine, making me shout out in surprise. The feel of her core and folds against mine, grinding and sliding against each other is blissful and overwhelming, driving me absolutely wild. I find her hands and clasp them with mine, loving the feel of us joined even more together, and using her hands to pull her into me more, adding to the insane pleasure of her core sliding against mine, bearing down on mine. Our hips surge in desperation, trying to strain even closer, hitting my clit with every move, making me scream out her name as I shatter into a blinding climax. I feel her shaking against me as well as our hips slow and we swell against each other more gently and slowly, bringing me to another quick and shocking orgasm as our wetness mingles. Her thigh atop my stomach is shaking as much as I am and I grip it for something to hold onto. "Jesus fucking Christ!" She cries out as her shuddering quells, her legs disentangle as she pulls up to give me a lingering deep kiss that draws me in, leaving us both breathing hard. 

"I've never done that before," she admits, blushing and looking into my eyes. I feel a giddy laugh spring up from me and finally settle to say, "that was... _Incredible_ " and smile shyly back to her, my words feeling entirely inadequate to how joined we had been, how close. Her eyes are soft and filled with wonder as her arms wrap around me and settles her head against my neck. "I have to say, that's the best way to say good morning ever" she chuckles and looks at me and I get lost in her eyes. 

Ashlyn's POV

I'm dreaming of her touching me, me calling out her name in a mantra as her hands touch me everywhere, driving me out of my mind. _I never thought she would touch me, I had thought it would be enough that I could touch her, that she would let me touch her._ Somehow I now realize how lopsided my thinking had been. The feel of her hand sweeping down from my breast to my ribs, stomach, and then thighs sends shivers to my toes and warmth and wet straight to my core. I moan into her fleeting mouth, which just teased me with a quick kiss that left me wanting more. 

I open my eyes and find her hands on me and I moan again, overjoyed that she's touching me, that she wants me, that it's not just a dream. _How could I not have known how much I want her hands on me, touching me?_ Her hands are slow and soft tracing down my side to my thighs again and trailing back up, like fire burning through my veins as she traces and burns me with her touch. I hear myself moaning her name over and over, just like in my dream, and I see her smile before I kiss her deeply, letting my tongue slide against hers. She kisses me back and her tongue begs for its own entrance and I oblige.

Her mouth is like a cavern of sweetest honey, filling me with a deeper need as much as it fills me with her desire. I flip her over so I'm on top, not able to stand her slow pace another moment. I look deep in her eyes and see the hunger there as I slide my thigh between hers and hear her moan my name brokenly. As she grinds up into me, I slide myself sideways and suddenly feel her dampness against that of my own, I nearly scream at the pleasure of it. Her hot, damp folds slipping against my core, her thighs opening wider to feel my core press more fully into hers - "Unn..." I groan as our hips seek more pressure, her hands finding mine and clamping on to pull me into her, and as she swivels her hips, I feel my clit grind against hers and she hisses in the most beautiful way, making my hips buck more frantically. I feel the glide of her folds and twist upward to feel her fully against me as our hips shudder and shake in the throws of a mutual orgasm that I hope never ends. She growls out my name and I barely recognize her voice, as our cores continue to collide and shake together, feeling her dampness flood into mine. My hips are in a frenzied dance, continuing to grind her into me, pressing and shaking with yet another climax, calling her name in my own growl of deepest desire. Her hands loosen on mine as our bodies tremble and settle into one another, my thigh riding on her stomach in lazier twitches as I begin to pick up sounds of our labored breathing and the feel of her warmth touching me. We lay for a few moments, still joined in the most intimate way I've ever felt. 

The need to see her eyes draws me up and I think I see the awe reflected from my own, and I gently take her lips in mine, sucking on her bottom lip and trailing over with my tongue behind it, tasting her sweetness again as I lie my body over hers in complete contentment. When I finally get my breathing under control, I pull back and admit shyly, "I've never done that before" and see the wonder in her face as she blushes and says exactly what I'm really thinking, that it was incredible. I tell her that's the best way to wake up and we both chuckle as we cuddle together and fall into a light slumber. 

Moments or hours later, I awake to watch her lying beneath me. I slide over a bit so I can study her more carefully. Her dark tresses are streaming out on the pillow and my hand strokes their silken weight gently, not wanting to wake her up yet. She makes those same soft sounds in her sleep that give me goosebumps and I sweep the hair back from her face and study her dark eyelashes against her cheeks. She looks so angelic, so perfect that I know I could spend years simply watching her sleep and be happy. My hand continues to stroke her hair back, now from the scalp and following the strands down her neck, hearing her sigh and roll to her side and move her face into my side, her breath tickling me. I can't help moaning at the feeling of her and she opens her eyes slowly, fuzzy at first and then a slow smile playing on her lips as she mumbles good morning to me and presses a soft kiss against the side of my breast. I roll over so I can look in her eyes again, not having words that can express what I'm feeling, not even sure exactly what I'm feeling, but I know it is wonderful.

Ali's POV

The feeling of my hair being stroked wakes me up, as it is one of my favorite things. Ashlyn continues to slide her hand though my hair and I sigh into her as I roll and press my lips to her side, feeling the curve of her breast against my lips. "Mmm..." I mumble against her as I kiss her again and she turns into me so that my lips find her nipple, much to my delighted surprise. I let my lips suck gently and without urgency and she moans into me "god, Alex, that feels amazing." I continue to suck and kiss her as my hands sweep down her side and come to rest on her hip, pulling her closer to press into me. _Damn! How can she feel so good against me?_ I feel her hands trace up my side and cup my breast and knead it gently, her thumb flicking against my nipple in a distracting way. 

The door slams open and my roommate Jen is saying, "so what are you wearing to homecoming Al..." and stops suddenly at the foot of my bed, her face brightening to a cherry red, her eyes wide in shock as they rake over the sight of Ash on top of me, naked, and me naked beneath her, pulling my lips away from Ashlyn's perfect breasts. I yank the covers over us and swallow hard, not knowing what to say, hands shaking at the look of horror on my friend's face as she looks between Ash and I, shaking her head dazedly, as if not quite believing what she's seeing. "What... What...?!" She squeaks out and looks at me beseechingly. My mouth still isn't functioning and then Ash clears her throat. "Look, can you get out and close the door?" She says, sounding calm, making my hands shake more. I feel Ash grab my hands and rub them between hers in what she must presume would be a calming act, only making me shake all over.

The look in Jenny's eyes, her look of shock mixed with disgust has sent me reeling. Jen walks to the door, takes another furtive glance at us, blushes and shakes her head again, and shuts the door quietly. The sound echoes in my head though. "Well, _that_ was awkward," Ash mutters and looks at me. I tug my hand away from hers and she looks at me startled and hurt. She tries to reach my hands and I pull away, dragging a shirt over my head, unable to look at her. I pull up my underwear and shorts and sit on the side of the bed, staring at the wall. "Alex, what's going on? Talk to me..." and I hear the pleading in her voice. "I can't... I..." and I turn slowly to face her, my face heating up. "I don't think I can do this." The shock on her face is entirely different from that of Jenny's, it is hurt and lost. I feel the shame burning in me, the shame I felt at Jenny's look of shocked disgust, the shame I feel now at the hurt look in Ash's eyes. I am lost, overwhelmed again. 

And, I do the one thing I know I should not - I run. 

Ash's POV

The sound of the door slamming shut behind Ali's fleeing form startles me back into the horrible here and now. Once again, she's run off. Once again, I'm left here. Alone. Mortified. Confused. Deeply hurt. I can feel the pit of my stomach clench in time with my teeth digging into my lower lip, drawing blood that I don't notice. She left me, again. She freaked out, again. She's gone. Gone. And this time, I feel the utter emptiness sink in. I feel my heart tearing in two and my walls crumbling, falling, shattering. I am left here. The emptiness fills me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I had to do this. Ali is still struggling. Let's hope Ashlyn has the strength and courage to fight on for this budding relationship.


	15. Turn around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have Ali's fears pushed Ashlyn away too far?   
> Will Ali face her fears or keep running?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a shorter chapter, but it's necessarily to move the story along.
> 
> Your input is always welcome.

Ali's POV

I softly close the front door and wobble as I walk back inside. I consider sitting on the couch to pull myself together, but decide against it when I think of Ash lying in my bed with that terrible look of sadness and hurt on her face. My resolve hardens and I force myself to walk to my bedroom door. My hand is shaking as I resolutely twist the door open carefully, afraid of making too much noise, not wanting to startle Ash unnecessarily. 

She is sitting up, and the look of sadness on her face nearly undoes me, filling me with greater shame at running. I close the door, lock it this time, and walk slowly toward the bed. "I'm so sorry" I whisper brokenly, looking down at the floor. "I can't believe I ran from you again. I can't believe I did that to you. I'm... I'm so sorry I was such a coward." My voice breaks at the end and I sit cautiously next to her and will myself to look to her eyes. I see her tears falling and feel my own falling as well. I tentatively reach out and touch her hand, and, amazingly, her hand grasps mine and twines together with me. Her voice is hoarse, "I think you nearly broke me. Walking out again..." She shudders and I wrap my arms around her and hold her shaking body to mine, feeling the amazing warmth and peace that she always makes me feel.

Her shaking slows and she melts into me, her breath light against my neck. "God, I'm so sorry" I whisper and stroke her hair. "Jen just - It's no excuse. But, the look she gave me just made it all so _real_ , made me realize... That's how so many people will look at me now. And, I guess I hadn't thought of it, that I was not ready for it..." I shudder as my tears start and my voice goes out again. And I feel Ash's arms tighten around me, her head lifts to tuck me under her chin, enveloping me with her strength. Her voice is soft, "Hey, I do understand the fear of what others will think, the shame they can make you feel. But it comes down to something simple," she turns to look in my eyes. "Be true to yourself, be true to your feelings. And never, ever let what someone else thinks make you ashamed for being true to yourself." I hug her tightly, in awe of her strength and courage, all that I feel lacking in myself at this moment.

She pulls away from me slightly, her arms still around me. "I know what you're thinking. You're thinking you don't have that kind of courage. You do, I know you do. You did come back." She sighs and pulls me back into her. "God, please don't ever run from me again though?" I hear the pleading in her voice and my body shakes in shame again. "No, don't be ashamed. It's ok you were freaked out. When I was first coming out, I was a mess. Just please don't ever leave me like that again - even if we're just friends, if that's what you want..." I pull back and hush her, "I'm so confused about everything, but I don't know if I could be just friends with you. I promise... I swear I will never run from you again though." I look to her eyes so she knows how serious I am. "How can you be so forgiving, after what I did? I can't believe what I did." She shakes her head, "Because I know how scary it is, I remember. I _know_. I can't expect you to not be confused or scared. But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt when you ran. It hurt like hell."

I tighten my arms around her and whisper urgently "can you forgive me for running, for hurting you? I didn't want to hurt you, I never want to hurt you." I hear the pleading my voice now and cringe, knowing I have no right to beg. Ash kisses my head and holds me close, "I do forgive you. Maybe we should get dressed, huh, and then we can really talk about this?" Her laugh fills me with a joyous relief and I kiss her neck gently then get up to pull on some clothes as she does the same.

We both sit back against the wall, her hand firm and yet gentle around mine. "How can I ever forgive myself for being such a coward, for hurting you?" I ask dejectedly. Ash wraps me in her arms and sighs, "You just have to. What others think can be hurtful, but you have to find the strength to be true to yourself, to stand up for that." I shake my head, in awe again at the fierce courage that Ash has. As I'm about to reply and expound on this, Ash's cellphone rings. I nod my head so she can answer it. I hear her mumbling and grousing and she hangs up. She sighs and looks at me with some exasperation, "we've gotta head back now to UNC. Tobin's girlfriend's little brother is having an emergency appendectomy and she wants to be there for him. I'm so sorry." Ash hangs her head and I pull it back up to look at me. "As long as you're not running out on me" she smiles at me making fun of myself, "then, I totally understand. Maybe you could leave me your email address and your cell number so we can chat?" She nods her head and quickly writes down her information and we exchange them shyly. "You can text or email me anytime, ok?" She says as she holds my hand. 

I walk outside with her and pull her into my arms before she can get in their car. All lingering doubts and fears fade away as her warmth infuses me with calm. She kisses my cheek sweetly and whispers see you later in my ear, making my heart trip over itself. My hands linger in hers as she moves to the car. She watches me as they drive away and I suddenly feel like part of me is missing. I walk back to my bedroom and lie down, exhausted emotionally, and fall into a tortured sleep.

I awake and nearly jump out of my skin, seeing Amy sitting on the edge of the bed staring at me with a concerned look on her face. "Morning, sunshine!" She says with a wicked glee and then gets serious again. "So what the fuck happened with Jen anyway? She acted like she'd seen a ghost or something." I sit up and stretch, biding for time to clear my head. "Well, let's see. Jen walked in on me and Ash... While we were.. You know... Um.." Amy nods her head, obviously catching on to what Jen walked in on. "Jen freaked out and made me feel so ashamed. Then, I ran out of the room, leaving Ash." I hear Amy's exasperated sigh and see her shaking her head. "I went right back in, though. And... I talked to Ash. We had a pretty good talk. Then, she had to leave." Amy smiles and pats me on the shoulder, "you never cease to amaze me girl! So, it sounds like things are ok with you and Ash" and I nod my head yes. I interrupt her to explain. "Mostly, things are ok. I still have to understand and deal with what's going on with me. And I'm really scared. But no matter what, I'm going to be honest with myself. And, I know that Ash will be my friend as I figure things out. Now, things with Jen, I don't know. I mean, if she feels weird about me and Ash, then she'll just have to learn to deal or move out. I don't know exactly where I stand, but I won't be around someone who is homophobic, that's for sure." 

Amy nods her head, "Jen can be a real stiff sometimes, but I think she'll come around." I shrug and nod as she walks to my door. "Amy, thanks for all your support. You really are amazing, you know?" She laughs and closes the door behind her, leaving me to my thoughts.


End file.
